Christmas Eve is tomorrow, and I already
know what will happen. (Not because I’m psychic, but because it happens every
24th of December.)
Tomorrow evening, at approximately 9:05
p.m., I will find myself wandering through the CVS pharmacy. I will walk
slowly, my eyes darting to and fro, while my lips move in silent prayer for
some acceptable gifts to appear on the shelves. A lone employee will stand by
the front door with her arms folded and a scowl on her face, clearly indicating
just how thrilled she is to be the shift manager on Christmas Eve.
“Sir,” she’ll call out, failing in her
attempt to instill some holiday cheer in her voice, “It’s closing time. It’s PAST closing time. My kids are home
waiting for me. Aren’t you going to buy something? ANYTHING?”
Why does this scenario play out each
and every year? That’s easy: I’m an idiot.
It began four weeks ago, on
Thanksgiving Day. Sitting around the dinner table, the conversation turned to
holiday shopping. Gift requests were made, spending limits were set, and trips
to the mall were planned.
In the middle of the discussion, one
of my relatives boasted, “I’m already FINISHED
with my Christmas shopping!” Seven jealous people immediately pummeled
her senseless with turkey drumsticks and undercooked turnips.
If you have your Christmas shopping done
before Thanksgiving Day, it is, of course, a sign of severe emotional problems.
(In my world, procrastination is a virtue.) But I do remember clearly thinking
on that day — despite the tryptophan overdose — that it might be a good idea to
do my Christmas shopping early for a change. If I could get it done by, say,
December 22nd, that would eliminate my usual Christmas Eve panic.
So, later on Thanksgiving Day, after I
revived from my turkey-induced coma, I made a list of what I would purchase for
my family and friends. I actually thought about going to the mall the next day.
But no, as every media outlet on the planet reminds us, the Friday after
Thanksgiving is “The Busiest Shopping Day of the Year.” (I think it’s listed in
the Constitution. The Second Amendment reads in part, “A well-regulated
Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the fourth Friday in
November shall be designated the busiest shopping day of the year.”)
In early December, I made two attempts
to buy some gifts. On the first occasion I couldn’t find a single parking space
at the mall. After burning half a tank of gas driving around in circles, I gave
up and went back home.
On my other shopping attempt, I did
find a parking space, but then proceeded to spend two hours in the electronics
department watching the Giants’ football game on a wall of 24 television sets.
When I returned home, the only things I had purchased were a cordless drill and
a socket wrench. I’m guessing my wife won’t appreciate either in her stocking on
Christmas morning.
I still was certain I could get my
shopping done during the final weekend before Christmas. However, some
unexpected commitments cropped up, I fell asleep on the couch a few times, and
the next thing I knew, December 24th was on the doorstep.
Theoretically, it’s possible I could
do some shopping tonight. But remember that “procrastination is a virtue”
thing? No doubt something will come along this evening and distract me —
something very urgent and crucial, such as the television being on.
So tomorrow night, as I scan the CVS
shelves, if it’s similar to last year, the shift manager will slip into the
back room to recharge her stun gun. When she emerges with fire in her eyes and
50,000 volts in her hand, it finally will prompt me to make some purchases. And
on Christmas morning, as my loved ones gather around the tree, for the 17th
year in a row, the gift-giving theme will be “Chia Pets and Slim Jims for everyone!”
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