Don’t Fall for Gravity Hype

Whenever a particular law becomes obsolete, the best thing we can do as a society is repeal that law. There is one law on the books right now that is definitely causing more harm than good in these United States of America. Our elected officials have a civic duty to repeal the Law of Gravity.

Let’s face it, the Law of Gravity is stupid. The law might have made sense when the Founding Fathers first enacted it back in the late 1700s, but nowadays we certainly can do without it. I understand President George Washington was planning to veto the gravity bill when it reached his desk, but unfortunately sleazy lobbyists from the gravity industry, as they’re wont to do, came down on him like a ton of bricks.

The Law of Gravity causes far too much trouble. It’s the primary reason people fall off ladders. It’s one of the leading causes of stumbling down stairs. It’s the sinister explanation behind the rash of iron anvils repeatedly falling onto the heads of unsuspecting cartoon characters. And gravity was the culprit during two recent traumatic experiences in my life.

First, I was driving down a hill and I had to apply the brakes because stupid gravity was causing my car to increase in speed. Just as I touched the brake pedal, my car hit an icy patch and skidded sideways. After a few terrifying seconds, my car finally came to rest, narrowly missing a telephone pole. Luckily there was no damage to my car. But I soon discovered that although I avoided having an accident with my car, during those frightening moments I did not completely avoid the concept of “accident,” if you get my drift. As a result, a perfectly good pair of pants was ruined.

Just a couple days later, I was enjoying some barbecue ribs at a fine eating establishment, “Tubby Tommy’s House O’ Cholesterol.” As I brought a juicy rib up toward my mouth, stupid gravity suddenly seized a big glob of barbecue sauce and caused it to fall right into my lap, ruining yet another pair of pants.

It wouldn’t surprise me if clothing manufacturers, especially the companies that sell pants, are the deep pockets (pun intended) financing the pro-gravity special interest lobby. Where are the investigative reporters when you need them?

If Congress repeals the Law of Gravity, many wonderful things will happen:

• Skiing will become a whole lot less painful and whole lot more fun.

• Every time a Red Sox player makes contact with a pitch it will be a home run. (Even I could play for the Sox — oh wait, I’d still have to make contact. Never mind.)

• I might even muster up enough courage to climb a ladder and clean out my gutters once in a while.

Now, of course, the pro-gravity zealots surely will counter with their usual scare tactics. Toilets won’t flush properly, they’ll claim. Leaves won’t drop from the trees in the Fall. (And not having to rake a massive pile of leaves every year is a problem exactly WHY?)

As a last resort, the media-savvy gravity lobbyists will drag out a herd of so-called “scientific experts,” who will offer the mother-of-all fear-mongering statements: “Anti-gravity extremists want to destroy Social Security.”

Oh wait, that’s a different mother-of-all fear-mongering statement. The scientists will say that repealing the Law of Gravity will cause everything on the planet, including people, to spin off the earth and into outer space.

Well, that might have been a concern back in the late 1700s. But after generations of eating at places such as “Tubby Tommy’s House O’ Cholesterol,” Americans are simply too large to get into orbit.