Attack of the ‘Mutant Enzymes’

Here’s a recent news headline: “Scientists develop ‘mutant’ enzyme that eats plastic.”

It seems American and British researchers have engineered an enzyme that can degrade the plastic used to manufacture many consumer goods, especially water bottles. This discovery is being hailed as a possible “recycling solution” to our planet’s plastic pollution problem.

It would be terrific if there was a way to get rid of all the plastic waste fouling our oceans and landfills. The news story explained that the mutant enzyme “digests” plastic. Maybe it’s just me, but this sounds suspiciously like the opening scene of a science fiction horror movie: “The Enzyme That Ate New York.”

The movie opens with a suburban housewife (played by Sandra Bullock) in the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner. She calls out to her husband, “Honey, where’s Fluffy? I haven’t seen her since this afternoon.”

Cut to a man sitting in a reclining chair (played by Leonardo DiCaprio — the man, I mean, not the reclining chair), reading the newspaper. He looks up over his paper and says, “No, I haven’t seen her eith— Hey! Did you put the enzymes away, like I told you?” He suddenly jumps up from the chair and runs into the kitchen. He pauses briefly to see a look of dread on his wife’s face, then opens the back door and rushes out onto the deck.

Zoom to the man’s face as his eyes bug out in sheer terror. Cut to the carcass of a small dog (played by Danny DeVito) laying on the deck, completely stripped to the bone.

Cut back to the man’s face as he slowly looks away from the dog and toward his driveway. Cut to a long shot of his new Honda Civic (played by Silvester Stallone), with the front half of the car stripped away, showing just the steel frame and the engine. The outer shell of the back half of the car is slowing dissolving, right before our eyes. A pulsating green film (played by Meryl Streep) covers the back of the car, which is emitting a relentless and low munching sound. The munching sound increases in volume.

Cut back to the man, who has been joined by his wife. She looks at Fluffy’s carcass and then the car. She let’s out a blood-curdling scream. Then the man shouts, “The mutant enzymes are loose! I told you not to store them in Tupperware! Call the police!!”

And then, of course, two hours later during the final scene of the movie, after the entire Eastern Seaboard has been devoured by this “good idea gone awry,” the hero scientist (played by Denzel Washington) who saved the day by developing a mutant pink enzyme that devours the mutant green enzyme, thoughtfully says, “It’s not right to fool with Mother Nature.”

As the hero scientist gazes into the distance, the camera pans away from him, and focuses on his vintage automobile, a Triumph TR6 (played by Sean Connery). A small patch of pink slime is slowly eating away the car’s hood. The same low munching sound is now heard, increasing in volume. As the screen fades to black, the shrill screech of violins, repeating the same frightening high note over and over, lets the audience know two things: the movie is over, and the director (played by Clint Eastwood) was greatly influenced by the shower scene in “Psycho,” directed by Alfred Hitchcock (played by Jack Nicholson).

OK, maybe it won’t happen exactly that way. But does anyone besides me feel a bit uncomfortable when a news headline includes the words “scientists,” “mutant,” and “enzymes”?

I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about. Hey, do you hear munching sounds?