New Plans to Improve Customer Service

Inside a swanky conference room at the corporate offices of Big Bucks Bank, Inc. — the company that issues the well-known SLISA, DisasterCard, and Crapital One credit cards — an executive vice president is conducting a training session for mid-level managers. He begins the meeting by declaring, “It has come to our attention that there are major problems with our customer service telephone help line. Therefore, we will be instituting new procedures to improve performance.

“First,” he continues, “far too many of our customer service agents speak English as their primary language. This cannot continue. So, beginning today, the HR Department is launching a major hiring push so that at least 80% of all phone operators will be natives of nations with severe accents, such as India, Croatia, Alabama, and Boston.”

Two junior managers glance at each other with furrowed brows, which send the silent message: “Hmm, that doesn’t make sense.”

The executive explains the second major procedural change. “Next, we will make sure that every single time our customer service people get on the line with a customer, they require the customer to recite their account number, full name and address, last four digits of their social security number, and the correct answer to a previously selected personal security question. By the way, my favorite security question is: ‘What was your first pet’s mother’s maiden name?’ That always confuses them!”

Most of the people in the conference room furiously take notes, but the two junior managers once again glance at each other and ever so slightly shrug their shoulders.

Suddenly, the executive vice president says, “Mr. Wilson. Mr. Phelps. Is there a problem?”

The two junior managers sit bolt upright in their chairs and nervously mutter, “No sir. No problem at all.”

The vice president says icily, “Then I suggest you start taking notes, gentlemen. OK, now where was I? Oh yes, procedure number two. Not only will our customer service agents ask for full personal information when they first speak to a customer, they also will require all this information every time they get back on the line after being on hold, however briefly. Our research indicates most customers will complain after the third time, so our people need to be prepared to say, ‘Sorry, but it’s for security purposes so no one gets unauthorized access to your account.’”

The two young managers, like everyone else, nod their heads in agreement. But one of them, Mr. Wilson, writes on his note pad “THIS IS CRAZY!!”

The executive vice president takes a deep breath and says, “Now, for the final new procedure, my personal favorite: whenever a customer service call reaches the one-hour mark, our computerized phone system will automatically disconnect the call, forcing the customer to call back and start all over again! Isn’t that terrific?!”

The other junior manager, Mr. Phelps, raises his hand. “Sir, I’m sorry, but I don’t understand. You said our goal is to improve performance. How can these new procedures possible do that?”

The executive shakes his head and says, “I guess some people are just not management material. Let me explain, Mr. Phelps. Scientific research has determined when a typical account holder has a horrible experience with a customer service telephone help line, once their frustration subsides, they become too terrified to switch to a different service provider, fearful of starting from scratch with new account numbers, new personal security questions, etc. So, the bottom line is: the more painful we make the process, the more likely they remain loyal customers! As you know, cable TV companies have been doing this for years.”

Mr. Phelps replies with awe, “That’s pure genius, sir. No wonder we’re known as the company that cares.”