Watch Out For ‘Exploding Head Syndrome’

The other day I saw this headline on a news story: “20% of population has ‘Exploding Head Syndrome’.”

Whoa, I only thought that happened in the movie “Scanners.” If the headline is true, then this situation is a much greater threat to our country than ISIS, climate change, or worst of all, Indiana pizza shops. If one out of every five citizens is in danger of having his or her head explode, that is kind of serious. But if this is true, wouldn’t there be some telltale signs? Shouldn’t there be a lot of blood stains all over town? As someone who is lactose intolerant, I’ve become adept at slipping away unnoticed from social situations to, um, deal with my discomfort. But if your head suddenly explodes, well, that’s kind of hard to “keep under your hat.” (Groan! I can’t believe I actually typed that corny pun.)

But maybe there is some big government cover-up going on here. Maybe all those windowless vans and black helicopters people claim to see are indeed federal commando squads. And their real mission — in order to prevent social unrest and panic — is to quickly clean up and remove every trace of evidence that someone’s head just exploded.

Now that I think about it, a couple years ago I went to work one morning and asked if Dave was in yet. I was told, “Dave’s gone. He took a new job in California.”

“You mean he just left?” I said. “Without saying goodbye?” Yes, I was told. So I said, “Well, how come his office is completely sealed in plastic, and guys in Hazmat suits are carrying buckets of red stuff to a truck out back?”

There was a long pause, and then I was told, “Hey, there’s cake in the break room!” Darn it, distracted again. Looking back, I wish that instead of sprinting for some cake, I had investigated Dave’s office a little further. Maybe the truth is that his head exploded.

Before I read the news report, I wondered if the website I was viewing was one of those unreliable sensationalist publications, like the National Enquirer, the Weekly World News, or the New York Times. So before I read the article, I did a quick Google search for the phrase “exploding head syndrome.” It turned out this breaking story was being covered by many reputable news organizations, for example, the Washington Post, the BBC, and the National Journal of Bigfoot Sightings.

So with much fear and trembling, and after putting both of my hands on my skull to see if it felt like pressure was building up, I read the article. What a disappointment. It turns out “exploding head syndrome” is a smart-aleck name given to a condition where people hear a loud noise just as they are drifting off to sleep, but there actually is no noise — no gun shot, no thunder, no Bigfoot smashing through the front door. The noise is all in their head.

I don’t doubt that this is a very debilitating condition. It’s hard enough to get a good night’s sleep in our stressed-out, over-caffeinated culture without being jarred awake by a blast of noise that is really not there. But c’mon, having this condition is not exactly the same as having your head explode. The article even quotes medical professional who use the glib but totally inaccurate term “exploding head syndrome.”

On the one hand, it’s disappointing that a sensationalist phrase was invented just to get people to read a rather boring medical story. But on the other hand, it’s good to know that it’s unlikely my head will explode anytime soon. However, I do wonder now what really happened to Dave.