Recently I discovered that I am no
longer a geezer-in-training, but now I am classified as a full-fledged geezer.
This designation became official when I received the “senior discount” at
Dunkin Donuts without asking for it — for the tenth time in a row.
However, I’m not a big fan of some of
the terms used for people like me, such as elderly, mature, or senior. I prefer
a different term: “chronologically gifted.” Those of us who are chronologically
gifted have an abundance of years; we have an abundance of experiences and
memories. I actually feel sorry for people who are “chronologically impaired.”
These folks don’t have many years to their credit, nor much experience. The
only things these people have are strength, stamina, and good looks. Bah! Who
wants that stuff?
Now that many years have been credited
to my account, I realize a lot of what occurred during the aging process took
me by complete surprise. No one warned me about these things. I made a list,
and since I like alliteration, each item begins with the letter “F”.
FEET
When I was a young, I could run around
the yard barefoot all day long, and play basketball at the schoolyard while
wearing only flip flops. My feet never bothered me.
Now, I’ve learned that chronologically
gifted feet are fragile. Arches fall, heels hurt, bunions bloom, fungus
flourishes, and toenails in-grow. I used to wonder why older guys went to the
beach wearing socks and sneakers. Now I know: anything less is just too
painful.
FOLLICLES
When I hit my 50s, half my hair turned
gray, and the other half turned loose. I wasn’t surprised by that, but no one
warned me that when people reach a certain age, a whole new crop of hair
sprouts from the ears, nostrils, and the sides of the neck. And this goes for
the men, too.
There’s a little gizmo you can buy in
drug stores called the “electric nose and ear hair trimmer.” When I was young I
thought it was a gag gift, something you might buy for someone just to goof
around. Well, now I realize without that little device, I would look like a
cactus.
FASHION
Chronologically gifted people know
that if the clothes we own today are out of style, all we have to do is wait a little
while and they’ll be back in style in no time.
The perfect example is the “hipster
hat,” a hat with a short brim, turned down in the front and up in the back. I
saw an ad in a magazine with a photo of a typical young hipster. He had the big
bushy beard, horned rim glasses, skinny jeans, Starbucks coffee, and he was
wearing a hipster hat.
Well, I hate to break it to him, but
that cool, modern hipster hat is the exact same hat Frank Sinatra wore during
the entire 1950s. So the more things change the more they stay the same.
FILTER
There’s an amazing part of the brain
called the filter. Whenever we have a thought, the filter quickly determines
whether we should speak that thought out loud. If it’s inappropriate, the
filter stops the thought from reaching the mouth. When people get into their
chronologically gifted years, the filter often malfunctions. Thoughts that
never should see the light of day come spewing right out.
A few years ago I was in a store, and an
old guy in a wheelchair looked over at another shopper and blurted out, “Look at
the size of her butt!” (Except he didn’t use the word “butt,” if you get my
drift.) My wife is pretty sure my filter is already faltering.
Next week: Geezerhood Part 2.
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