What’s in the Bottle, Water or Gold?

I like water. Water is a good thing. In fact, a recent magazine article pointed out that water is one of the five basic necessities human beings require to stay alive. (The other four crucial items are oxygen, warmth, donuts, and comfortable pillows.)

If I remember correctly from high school biology class, 90-percent of the human body is made up of water. This does not include college students, of course, whose bodies are comprised of 90-percent beer.

Since 90-percent of our bodies are water, if we had no water we would definitely lose some weight, but I suspect our overall appearance might not be exactly in the fashion model category. Without any water we’d probably look very much like a big pile of dryer lint.

Water is an important aspect of many enjoyable activities. For example, it makes swimming noticeably more fun. In the Olympics, 10-meter platform divers REALLY appreciate water. And I’m pretty sure water makes showering noticeably more effective.

I can only think of a handful of instances when I find water annoying: when it enters my house uninvited through a leaky roof; when it soaks the front seat of my car because I drove to work with the windows cracked open and no one told me it was going to rain later that day; and when I hit a perfectly straight tee shot, but the mysterious magnetic forces lurking in ponds suddenly grab my golf ball in mid-flight and cause it to curve, producing a heartbreaking splash.

But all things considered, I really like water. What I don’t like, nor do I understand, is the current mania surrounding BOTTLED water. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t bottled water, by definition, a bottle with some water in it?

If so, then why does bottled water cost the same — and sometimes more — than other bottled products containing soft drinks, juice, milk, and yes, even beer?

Last week I stopped at a highway rest area, and the vending machine offered the following products: Coke, Sprite, orange soda, iced tea, and bottled water. Each item came in a 20-ounce bottle, and each item was the exact same price: $2.00.

By the way, that works out to be ten cents per ounce, which translates into $12.80 per gallon, which means water, plain old water, costs almost FIVE times more than gasoline!

How can a product with an ingredients list consisting of a single word — “water” — cost the same as products with multiple ingredients and complicated refining processes?

If you think the vending machine is a rip-off, a few years ago I went to a baseball game at Yankee Stadium. It was a hot, sunny afternoon, and by the 6th inning I was on the verge of becoming a big pile of dryer lint. So, I flagged down a vendor selling bottled water and ordered one. He handed me a rather small bottle. I handed him a five-dollar bill. He stood there staring at me. I stood there staring at him. I thought to myself, “Surely he doesn’t think I’m going to let him keep the change as a tip?” The vendor finally broke the awkward silence by saying, “Ain’t enough money. It costs six-fifty.”

Then I saw the button pinned to his shirt: “Bottled water - $6.50.” Then I shouted something I don’t usually say, but which is fairly common in New York City.

It’s time to boycott over-priced, fancy-shamsy bottled water products. Everyone should buy a reusable plastic bottle at Wal-Mart (98 cents each), and then fill it each morning at the kitchen sink. Doesn’t that make sense? Or when it comes to bottled water, am I all wet?