Why Didn’t I Think of That?

Over the past few months I’ve been collecting clever sayings that I receive in emails or see on the Internet. I file these items under the heading: “I wish I thought of that.”

I’d like to share a few of these ideas with you, and I want to make it clear that I am not the author of these sayings. A few years ago, I was alerted to the fact that someone in a different state had copied a major portion of one of my weekly humor columns and incorporated it, word for word, into his own published article. When I contacted this person and reminded him that plagiarism is a rather ugly concept, he sheepishly replied, “Oh, I saw it online and there was no name listed, so I thought it was anonymous.”

Well, these sayings also are anonymous, but there is one person in the world who I know for sure DID NOT write them: me. However, the parenthetical smart-aleck comments are all mine.

• “There is a fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’” (I’m thinking: fishing, golf, motorcycles, and social media — especially a certain Tweeter who lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.)
  

• “People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.” (Which is why whenever JW’s come to the door, I cut them off by launching into an impassioned soliloquy about my devotion to the Red Sox, and within five minutes they’re sprinting away muttering, “What a religious nut!”) 

• “You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.” (Been there, done that, and over 30 years later my face still turns red at the mere thought of what I said to a certain very unpregnant lady.)
  

• “There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.” (I can think of a number of gray-haired Baby Boomers who need to grasp this idea.) 

• “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.” (Which is why I am not surprised that there is at least one accident tying up rush hour traffic on I-84 every single day. What stuns me — especially considering that most drivers these days have the attention span of a cocker spaniel puppy — is the remarkable fact that there are not hundreds of accidents on I-84 every single day.) 

The following thoughts are courtesy of an anonymous email titled, “Men Are Just Happier People.” Although I’m a man, I still wish I had thought of these reasons why men have it much easier than women.

• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 

• You can wear NO shirt to a water park. 

• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  
  
• Chocolate is just another snack. 

• The world is your urinal. 

• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. 

• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  

• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
  
  
• Your underwear is $7.95 for a five-pack.
  
  
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

• Wrinkles add character. 

• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 

• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes. 

If you know who authored these sayings, let me know. I’d like to give credit where credit is due.