Too Extreme to Run for President

Last fall, I was invited by the Winchester Council of the Knights of Columbus to be the guest speaker at this year’s awards banquet in May. I immediately said yes, and looked forward to joining them.

But then, after I already made the commitment, I was watching TV during the winter, and I saw Congressional hearings, where a judge had been nominated for a new post. A panel of U.S. senators were asking him questions.

Some of the senators were very concerned that this judge was a member of an extremist group. Oh no! Was this guy secretly affiliated with the Klan or some neo-Nazi militia? Nope. The senators revealed exactly which extremist group the judge belonged to: the Knights of Columbus!

The senators described the Knights as an all-male society that opposes women’s health care and is against marriage equality.  

Frankly, the only thing I ever thought was extreme about the Knights of Columbus were those feathery Captain Crunch hats they wear in parades.

Now, another way the senators could have described the Knights is like this: the K of C is a fraternal service organization that believes in the sanctity of life, and prefers the 5,000 year old traditional definition of marriage.

In my view, you could make a pretty good case that one of the most harmful extremist groups in our country right now is the U.S. Congress. And exhibit “A” would be the senators and representatives from the Nutmeg State.

But this whole thing has turned into a big problem for me. You see, it isn’t official yet — so don’t tell anybody — but I was planning to announce soon that I am running for President of the United States.

Yes, I admit there a few obstacles, such as: No one has ever heard of me. I have no money. I have no political experience. I spend too much time watching baseball on TV. And currently there are approximately 340 other people who have already announced that they are running for president.

However, I figured I could get past those problems with a clever campaign strategy. You see, my plan is that I will be the only candidate running for president who doesn’t really want to be president.

When you think about it, all the people who usually run for president desperately want the job. But if a person really wants to be President of the United States, that is a strong indication that person has some serious emotional problems. All of the candidates these days have massive egos, and they are power hungry.

It reminds me of that old Groucho Marx quote. When he resigned from an exclusive club, he explained his decision by saying, “I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me for a member.”

That’s how I feel about politics. I don’t want to vote for anyone who really wants to hold political office.

So, my strategy is brilliant. I will be the only candidate running on the platform that I’m way too normal to be a politician, and I’d rather not win. With that plan, victory is assured.

But now, my plans are in big trouble. When I declare that I’m running, you just know they’re going to do opposition research, and they’ll uncover the fact that I was the guest speaker at an event run by an extremist group. My campaign is going to be sunk before it even gets started.

So, it looks like I might have to go with Plan B instead, which is: keep going to work every day, pay my bills, go to church on Sunday, love my wife and kids, love my country, don’t break the law — you know, extremist behavior.