‘Lose 20 pounds in 10 days!’

Recently, I received an unsolicited email from a writing workshop organization. By the way, it’s a good thing emails don’t actually take up any physical space, because the number of unsolicited emails I get each day would fill an Amazon warehouse. And those are just the ones that end up in my inbox. If you add in the emails that get caught by my computer’s spam filter, they would fill up a dozen Grand Canyons.

Anyway, the writing workshop email I received said: “Bill, ever wonder why people are completely ignoring your content?”

Well, I haven’t thought about that in a while, but I assume it’s because my content is boring, right?

The email continued: “It’s not the content. Blame the headline! People only click if the headline does the trick!” (Obviously they’re referring to articles published on the Internet. It’s kind of hard to “click” on a story printed in an actual newspaper.)

Then the email went on to offer some “savvy tips” to create eye-catching headlines, which are guaranteed to entice more people to read my essays. One tip said the ideal headline is no more than six words. Another tip said a good headline promises to give the reader something desirable. I stopped reading the email before finding out whether or not the remainder of the savvy tips would require me to give them my credit card number. 

Nowadays, eye-catching headlines are known as “clickbait,” that is, they persuade readers to click on the Internet article, which increases “eyeballs” — another Internet term that simply means viewers or readers — which in turn increases advertising income.
 
Because clicks and eyeballs are directly related to revenue, website editors are very creative with their enticing headlines. (I am using, of course, the definition of “creative” that means: “completely untrue.”)

However, clickbait-type headlines have been around long before the Internet existed. Who hasn’t made an impulse purchase in the supermarket checkout line after seeing stunning tabloid newspaper headlines? Here are some of the more memorable ones: “Dolphin grows human arms!” “Satan’s skull found in New Mexico!” “Abraham Lincoln was a woman!” “Tom Cruise is a space alien!” (OK, that one might be true), and, “Dick Cheney is a robot!” (That one is definitely true.)

So, the idea of using a sensational headline to convince people to read something is not a new Internet-era phenomenon. That technique has been around for quite a while. This is why Abraham Lincoln, who apparently was female, began his second inaugural address in 1865 by declaring, “Robert E. Lee is a space alien!” If nothing else, that certainly prompted folks to listen a little closer to the rest of Honest Amy’s speech.

And now I should comment on the headline of this essay. In keeping with the theme of using eye-catching headlines to entice people to read the story, and employing those savvy tips, I came up with a headline that is six words and promises to give the reader something desirable. 

Now really, after two years of COVID quarantine snacking, who among us would love to lose 20 pounds in 10 days? (That’s a rhetorical question. The answer is, “All of us!”) So, the headline of this essay is scientifically proven to increase the number of people who will pause and read.

The best part is that my headline, unlike many of those supermarket tabloid headlines, is not an exaggeration. My diet plan really works. Here is all you need to do to lose 20 pounds in 10 days: eat the way you usually do, and then on the tenth day, have a doctor surgically remove one of your limbs. See? Easy-peasy. 

In conclusion, I’d like to thank you for not ignoring my content today.