Beware of Lobbyists for ‘Big Dog’

Recently I heard on the news that it was National Mustard Day. Really? They’ve now got a national day for mustard? What’s next? I can’t wait for National Pickled Beets Day. (Out of curiosity, I just paused to do a Google search in case there actually is such a thing. I found information about National Beet Day, which is July 8th, and National Pickle Day on November 14th. However, there was nothing listed for National Pickled Beets Day, so somebody better get working on that.)

Anyway, the news story I saw for National Mustard Day prominently featured hot dogs, as in, “Enjoy National Mustard Day by putting it on your favorite hot dog!” That got me wondering if Mustard Day might actually be the creation of the hot dog industry. Oh, and don’t criticize my use of the word “industry.” Hot dogs are right up there with, for example, the automobile industry and the pharmaceutical industry. Lobbyists for “Big Dog” wield a lot of power and influence in Washington. 

We already have a National Hot Dog Day, which is on the third Wednesday of July each year. And as we all know, Big Dog has convinced people that hot dog season runs from Memorial Day until Labor Day. We used to call that “summer,” but the lobbyists have influenced politicians and media moguls to change our perception of the four seasons. It’s now: Fall, Winter, Spring, and Hot Dog. (A revival of “Camelot” has Sir Lancelot singing, “If ever I would leave you / It wouldn’t be in Hog Dogggg / Seeing you in Hot Dog / I never would go!” Robert Goulet must be rolling over in his grave.)

Here are other items that are commonly put on hot dogs, according to yet another Google search: sauerkraut, onions, cheese, chili, ketchup, and mayonnaise. OK, let’s be honest. Ketchup is great on many things, especially French fries. And mayonnaise is great on many things, especially tuna sandwiches. But neither of those condiments belong anywhere near a hot dog. That’s just wrong. I know that as Americans, we cherish our freedom and people should be allowed to garnish their hot dogs with whatever they want. However, putting either ketchup or mayonnaise on a hot dog is so gross, a person’s citizenship should be revoked, or at least questioned. If you’re one of those icky people who actually puts ketchup or mayonnaise on hot dogs, don’t bother writing to me to explain how great it tastes. And if you put ketchup AND mayonnaise on your hot dog, you are dead to me.

I’m certain that the National Days for sauerkraut (2nd Wednesday in October), onions (June 27th), cheese (June 4th), chili (4th Thursday in February), ketchup (June 5th), and mayonnaise (May 5th) are all the work of Big Dog. The hot dog lobbyists, and all their power and influence, are probably the ones who convinced those poor unfortunate souls to put ketchup and/or mayonnaise on their hot dogs. In my view, that puts them right up there with tobacco company lobbyists. (Don’t get me wrong: just because powerful and sinister forces compelled certain weak-willed people to put ketchup and/or mayonnaise on their hot dogs, does not absolve them from guilt. They, rightfully so, must continue to live in shame.)

It is true that we are inundated with countless National Days (although no National Pickled Beets Day yet), but after re-reading what I’ve written here so far, I think it’s time for a new National Day. We really need a National Stop Doing Stupid Google Searches and Writing Idiotic Essays Day — along with National Turn the Damn Computer Off and Go Take a Walk Day. 

But first, I need a hot dog.