Orange You Glad You’re Not Sprayed?

Well, another summer season is over. Our three-month frolic with beaches and boats and sunny weather has caused many Americans to ponder a deep and philosophical question: Does anyone actually think a spray tan looks good?

This question is very relevant, especially in light of the current presidential election campaign. As we all know, America has become a nation of hyphens: African-American, Irish-American, Italian-American, Native-American, Asian-American, etc. Now it looks like we might elect as president a new type of hyphen: a Cheeto-American.

I suppose I notice tans — both the natural kind and the spray-on kind — more than the average person. You see, I grew up in a shoreline community where my father was the head life guard at the town beach, and I always wanted to have a nice tan. However, since my family can trace our ancestors back to County Albino in Ireland, a region that has been shrouded in fog for 20 centuries and where every molecule of melanin has been weeded out of our gene pool, no matter how much time I spent in the sun as a youth, my skin never tanned. It only turned various shades of bright red. Being an astute child, it took me no more than 900 painful sunburns to realize I would never get a tan. (Something about which my dermatologist today is quite happy, as I now underwrite a sizeable portion of his monthly yacht payments.)

Even though I was unable to have the tan I so desperately wanted as a youth, it has never occurred to me to get a spray tan instead. And there is one simple reason why I would never do it: even I am not that oblivious to reality. The one thing a spray tan does not resemble in any way is an actual tan. A spray tan looks exactly like what it is: the aftermath of someone using a Wagner Power Painter to apply an unnaturally orange-colored layer of chemicals on your skin. If the dermatologist says my many youthful sunburns caused damage to my skin, what do you think a coating of chemicals from the Dupont and Monsanto factories will do to a person? (I suspect we’ll be seeing trial lawyer TV ads in a few years, such as: “If you or a loved one suffered the harmful effects of being spray-painted orange — including embarrassment, humiliation, and unsightly stains on all your clothes — you may be entitled to a large cash award. Call the law offices of Shyster & Myster today!”)

The only thing that looks more unnatural than a spray tan (besides Hillary attempting to be friendly), is the typical male toupee. And when a guy has both a spray tan AND a toupee, even the late, great Saint Mother Teresa was known to blurt out, “Dude! Don’t you own a mirror?!”

Now that we are heading into the Fall season, the folks who got natural tans during the summer are fading back to their normal pale complexions, which makes those who are addicted to spray tans stand out even more like a sore (orange) thumb.

There is only one day this Fall when being spray-painted orange is appropriate. But then, the day after Halloween, you must wash it off so friends and co-workers do not wonder why you insist on impersonating a pumpkin during November. 

It’s like that old public service announcement says: “Friends don’t let friends turn orange.” Maybe we need to do interventions. “Bob, we all love you, but your addiction to orange paint is out of control. Please let us help you.” And maybe we should do the first intervention with a certain Cheeto-American running for president.