The Only Thing Certain Is Our Uncertainty

The Transfiguration is a famous event during the earthly ministry of Jesus. Bringing along three of His disciples — Peter, James, and John — Jesus went up on a high mountain, and suddenly His clothing and His body became dazzling white with a supernatural glow. Then heroes from the history of Israel, Elijah and Moses, appeared and conversed with Jesus.

Needless to say, the three disciples were awestruck by the three glowing people. The Bible explains that Peter “hardly knew what to say, they were so terrified” (Mark 9:6).

When it was over, as they were walking back down from the mountain, Jesus told His three disciples not to tell anyone what they had just witnessed, “except when the Son of Man has been raised from the dead” (Mark 9:9). Then Scripture says, “So they kept the matter to themselves, questioning what rising from the dead meant” (Mark 9:10).

This is one of many incidents in the Bible when Jesus’ disciples were confused. Now, don’t forget: these men left everything behind to be with Jesus. They put their faith in the Lord and trusted Him completely. They were destined to be the founding fathers of the Church. And yet, they were often confused. They did not understand many of the things Jesus said, and they understood even less about Jesus’ plans for the future. The fact they were baffled by Jesus’ statement about “rising from the dead” proves that Jesus’ Apostles, the chosen Twelve, did not have anything close to certainty when it came to Jesus’ mission.

This episode from Scripture, which reminds us that even the founding fathers of the Church were not sure about everything regarding religious faith, should make us pause. If famous saints like Peter, James, and John were often befuddled about Jesus’ plans and intentions, then who are we to act as if we know exactly how everything should be?

If you haven’t noticed, nowadays there are a lot of people who are convinced that they know exactly what God wants us to do. And not only are those folks absolutely certain that they’re right and everyone else is wrong, they’ve taken it to another level by insisting that those who disagree with them must be evil.

Most people have witnessed this phenomenon in the polarized political world. Countless people on both sides of the aisle are passionately certain that they’re right and their evil opponents are wrong. If the opponents are evil, then it’s perfectly acceptable to demonize them. 

Well, a similar situation exists in the religious world. It’s frightening how many people these days are absolutely certain that they, and they alone, have the real truth. For example, on one side there are folks who insist that God wants ONLY the Latin Mass. On the other side, there are people who insist God wants anything BUT the Latin Mass. Instead of this being a “different people have different preferences” kind of situation, many on both sides of this debate are taking an absolutist position: “I’m right and anyone who disagrees with me is following the devil.” 

Unfortunately, there are many other religious topics that are just as contentious.

Now, obviously there are certain doctrines that are non-negotiable. The statements listed in the Nicene Creed come to mind: God is real, He’s our Creator, Jesus is the Son of God, He really rose from the dead, etc. But most other religious issues are not as clear cut. If Peter, James, and John were alive on earth today, they just might say to us, “Whoa, chill out, guys. We’re not gonna know everything with certainty until we get to Heaven. For now, the Lord wants us to love Him and love other people. Acting like know-it-all Pharisees is not a good look.”

So, let’s learn from Biblical events like the Transfiguration. The top three Apostles were often confused and unsure what Jesus wanted. But they knew Jesus was the Lord, so they continued to put their faith in Him and they trusted that it all would eventually make sense.

That’s exactly what Jesus wants us to do: Love God; Love our neighbor; and when in doubt, err on the side of Mercy. 

Time to Reminisce with Total Strangers

The other day I received an invitation to a 50th high school reunion. It’s going to be held at a fancy restaurant in July. At first, I thought the committee of my old classmates was exceptionally organized, since our 50th isn’t until next year. “Wow, they’re planning this thing a year and a half in advance,” I thought. “Well, there were many goody-goodies in my class, the ones who, on Friday afternoons, would remind the teacher to give us homework.”

But then I read the invitation a bit closer, and discovered the reunion is for a different class from a different high school in a different town. That school had a student also named William Dunn. The reunion committee searched online and came up with my name and address. So, now I’m invited to attend a party and reminisce about all the fun times I had with a bunch of people I’ve never met before.

At first I was going to send a note explaining they had the wrong person. But then I thought, no, I think I’m going to accept the invitation. I’ll register for the event and send them a check. It could be a very interesting evening. I bet I could convince a lot of them that I was indeed one of their classmates a half-century ago. I’m confident for one simple reason: at age 68 people don’t look anything like they did at age 18. 

When I attended my 40th high school reunion nine years ago — with the actual people who were my classmates — I recognized very few of them, and very few recognized me. If it wasn't for the name tags we were required to wear, which included our yearbook photo, we all would’ve spent the night saying, “And, um, who are you again?” rather than what we did say, “So great to see you! You haven’t changed a bit!”

In the mid-1970s as teenagers we were all skinny with way too much hair. (Don’t forget, the ‘70s is known as the “decade that fashion forgot.”) Four decades later we all were, um, how should I phrase this? We all were rather stocky with very little hair. And this was true for the men, too.

If I go to the reunion this summer for that incorrect class and school, I’m certain I’ll fit right in. No one will have any idea that I never attended their school, mostly because they won’t recognize the people who DID attend their school. I’ll laugh along as people describe some of the crazy things I supposedly did in high school, and then I’ll embellish those stories (because that’s kind of my superpower) with some completely outlandish tales. Won’t they be surprised to find out I was the one who set off the cherry bomb in the teacher’s lounge toilet! It will be a fun night.

Of course, to pull this off, I will have to do a little research. I’ll have to track down some data about that particular class and that particular school. I’ll need information such as the names of the school principal, football coach, our class valedictorian (ooh, maybe it was me?), the homecoming queen (ooh, maybe she was my girlfriend?), and some of the infamous teachers. If it turns out I was married for a while to the homecoming queen, that will be an opportunity for some REALLY outlandish stories.

It will be helpful if their yearbook is posted online somewhere. Then I can find the other William Dunn’s photo to see what I used to look like. If it turns out he was a 5-ft 6-in Black guy, that’s still no problem. After all, over the span of 50 years, people change a lot! 

God Is Not an Egomaniac

Over the years, I’ve heard some people claim that the God of the Bible is actually a nasty egomaniac. Why do they say this? Because the God of the Bible, according to their interpretation, demands that people worship Him, or else those people will be cast into Hell. These critics say that anyone who demands that others worship him is a tyrant, pure and simple.

Well, we can’t really argue with that statement, since it’s true that anyone who demands that others worship him is most definitely a tyrant. However, the claim that this is what God does is simply wrong. God does not demand that people worship Him. He does, however, strongly suggest that we should be devoted to Him, not because His ego needs it, but because it’s best for us.

Just pause and consider the reality of our situation: God is the almighty, all-knowing, all-powerful, eternal Lord of the Universe. He created us — not the other way around.  If we compare ourselves to God, we quickly realize that we are just specks of dust. Everything we have was given to us by God, including our very existence. It’s only right that we acknowledge the vast differences between us, and offer our Creator thanks for what He’s done for us. That is in our best interest. God is not desperately fishing for compliments. His self-esteem is fine.

Think of loving parents and their small child. The parents don’t NEED the child’s respect and affection. But when the child does love and trust the parents, it’s a beautiful thing. Most importantly, it is what’s best for the child.

Of course, human beings are not perfect, as God is. The reality of sin clouds our existence here on earth. There are examples (far too many, sadly) of parents who are self-absorbed tyrants. This unfortunately causes a lot of emotional dysfunction in our fallen world. 

However, when the parent/child relationship is filled with love and respect, that relationship is a good example for us of how the God/human relationship ought to be.

If you haven’t noticed, there are a lot of people in our culture who no longer believe in or worship God. But if you don’t worship God, that does not mean that you worship nothing. Everybody worships something. It’s built into our DNA. Blaise Pascal, who wasn’t around to learn about chromosomes and the genetic code, put it this way: “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every [person] which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God the Creator.”

A lot of people nowadays are desperately trying to fill this “God-shaped hole” in their hearts, but they end up worshiping the wrong things: money, power, sex, popularity, entertainment, education, and pleasure. Quite often people worship themselves. All we have to do is watch the evening news to see how well that’s working out.

So, the bottom line is this: God doesn’t need us to worship Him. And He doesn’t DEMAND that we do so. Throughout salvation history God has communicated to humankind that it’s in our best interest to give thanks and praise to our Creator.

God is neither an egomaniac nor a tyrant. He is a loving father who longs to share His love with His oftentimes wayward children. When we worship our Creator — when we enter into a loving relationship with the Lord who cares so much for us — the benefits are twofold. First, our level of contentment and peace is maximized during our time here on earth. Second, and more importantly, we will experience eternal joy in Heaven once our time on earth is over.

It doesn’t get any better than that! 

Digital Tickets Work Great — Until They Don’t

Have you ever tried to get on an airplane, with your boarding pass showing on your smartphone, and then just as you reach the front of the line, your phone shuts off, the screen goes blank, and you end up spending the evening in Connecticut while your luggage flies to Atlanta? 

No? That’s never happened to you? OK, it hasn’t happened to me either — yet. But it’s a scenario that keeps me awake at night. I’m convinced it’s just a matter of time before my phone dies at the worst possible moment and my boarding pass or my ticket to a sporting event just disappears into, um, wherever digital images go when your phone stops working. I suspect those digital images end up in a file cabinet on the 4th floor of a nondescript office building in Poughkeepsie. (Just kidding. I know digital images don’t go to Poughkeepsie. That would be too easy. I could just drive over there and retrieve them. Where those images really go is probably somewhere far beyond the planet Mars.)

I have used digital tickets on my phone many times during the past few years. And every single time things worked out fine. I got on the plane, or I got into the arena to watch the ballgame. But I would much rather go old school and use a paper boarding pass or ticket. When I have a paper ticket in my hand, I know it’s not going to go blank. I know it does not need a battery (that I haven’t recharged in a while) to operate properly. I know a paper ticket is not going to suddenly require me to enter my password again just as I reach the front of the line, which causes everyone directly behind me to groan when it becomes clear that the anxiety of the situation has caused my brain to go blank regarding the 6-digit password I usually type 20 times a day without a hitch. 

I understand that it’s possible to lose a paper boarding pass or paper ticket. But it’s also possible to lose your smartphone. Which of those options is worse? Losing a paper boarding pass so you miss a flight? Or losing everything stored on your phone so you miss the rest of your life? Most people have the following items stored on their smartphones: emails, text messages, everybody’s contact info, appointment calendar, photographs, videos, credit card numbers, passwords, books, and movies. Oh, and boarding passes, too.

Personally, I’d rather lose a paper boarding pass and ruin a trip, than lose my smartphone and ruin the next seven years of my life. 

Even though I have never had a problem to date with a digital boarding pass or event ticket on my phone, I have experienced that horrifying moment when a smartphone just drops dead. One minute it was working fine, and the next minute it could do nothing. I’m not sure of the exact cause of death. I brought it to a phone repair shop and the young technician mumbled something about the battery or the software or the main processor chip. Or maybe he said it was termites. I really don’t know.

I had to get a new phone and everything stored on the old phone was lost forever. That traumatic experience prompted me to start paying a mere 3 bucks per month to have all the data on my phone backed up to Apple’s servers. The best money I’ve ever spent.

I know you can’t turn back the clock on progress. Smartphone boarding passes are here to stay. But sometimes the old ways are just more trustworthy. And by the way, what’s this I hear about airplanes not using propellers anymore? 

Disparate Juxtaposition Causes Apoplectic Reactions

In addition to this weekly newspaper column, I write a faith essay each week, which I then record for WJMJ, the Catholic radio station for the Hartford Archdiocese. Every week I also put together a group email with the two essays and send it out to a few hundred relatives, friends, and total strangers. (So, yes, I may be one of the people contributing to the glut of unsolicited messages in your email inbox. Sorry.)

Anyway, I occasionally get email notes that express concern about the juxtaposition of two such disparate themes in the group emails I send out. The first thing I do when I receive notes like this is look up the definition of the words juxtaposition and disparate. 

A recent note I received summarized the general sentiment of these messages: “You wrote about your colonoscopy — in detail! — and then 2 seconds later you’re talking about one of Jesus’ most important parables??? That’s sacrilegious!!!”

OK, the first thing to understand is, I don’t write the two essays two seconds apart. I write the humor column for the newspaper when I’m in a goofy mood. And then at some other time when I’m in a more spiritual mood, I write the faith essay. But if you’ve ever read or heard those faith essays, you know that goofiness is always lurking just below the surface. This is because, as it’s been pointed out to me by a loved one, I am living proof that youth is fleeting but immaturity can last forever. Guilty as charged. 

The second thing to understand is, three consecutive question marks or three consecutive exclamation points will make your English teacher quite apoplectic. (Yeah, I had to look up the definition of that word, too.) I realize no English teacher will see your email message to me, and as an Engineering major who received a C-minus in Freshman Composition, I am certainly not qualified to add or deduct points. I’m just saying the triple punctuation marks are not necessary!!! Understand???

Now that I think about it, I didn’t even discuss my colonoscopy in detail in that recent essay. I did, however, go into rather graphic detail in a newspaper column about 17 years ago, after the first time I experienced that procedure. This time around, I was much more refined and mature — except maybe for the “Kodak camera duct-taped to the end of a garden hose” comment. 

What I try to do with my writing is bring a little levity to faith topics, something, in my opinion, the religious world desperately needs. And I occasionally try to interject a little faith into my humor columns. I think I’m doing a pretty good job of this, based on the vast number of offers I’ve received from publishing companies and religious broadcasters. (Total number of offers to date: exactly one, which occurred about two decades ago when an elderly gentleman read a religious book I had written, and then begged me to relocate to Mississippi and take over as head writer and editor of his fundamentalist Baptist monthly magazine. I think he had a nervous breakdown when I finally broke the news to him that I’m Catholic. And I am not kidding. That really happened.)

By the way, if you are a glutton for punishment, er, I mean, if you are unaware of my faith essays and are interested in receiving my weekly email blast, just send me a note at MerryCatholic@gmail.com and I’ll put you on the list. And don’t worry, if you decide it’s not your cup of tea, just request that I remove your email address from my group list, and I will promptly, um, think about it. 

Come to Jesus? Good Idea

Recently, the President of the United States, frustrated with the way the war in Gaza is being conducted, said that he and the Prime Minister of Israel needed to have a “come to Jesus meeting.”

I don’t want to delve into politics, since that’s never been the point of these essays. But let me at least say that since our choice for president during the election later this year boils down to either an elderly man with obvious cognitive decline, or Joe Biden, I’m not really thrilled. Is there a “none of the above” voting option?

It seems to me the term “Obvious Cognitive Decline” should be the title of an article in the AARP Magazine, not the main theme of a United States presidential election.

Anyway, sorry about the detour into politics. I promise not to do that again. What I wanted to focus on is the expression “Come to Jesus meeting.” That’s probably not the most diplomatic phrase to use when referring to the prime minister of Israel. There is a long and sad history of Christians persecuting Jews, with a prominent aspect being forced conversions. So, I think a different expression would’ve been more appropriate.

And besides, in his letter to the Romans, St. Paul clearly stated, “All Israel will be saved” (Rom 11:26). Our friends in the Jewish community are one group whose relationship with God we Christians need not fret over. They are “God’s Chosen People,” and God does not change His mind. Now, of course, people who have Jewish heritage but profess to be atheists are in the same boat as people who claim to be Christian but don’t actually believe any of that “Supernatural miracle stuff.” And by “same boat,” I mean a vessel that’s taking on water rapidly.

The expression “Come to Jesus meeting” (or “Come to Jesus moment”) is very interesting. The phrase emerged from 19th-century Christian revivalism, which had an emphasis on personal conversion; that is, a turn away from evil and coming to Jesus for salvation. There are probably many aspects of 19th-century Christian revivalism that I would not agree with (such as their virulent anti-Catholicism), but turning from evil and coming to Jesus sounds exactly like the 2,000-year-old Gospel message.

However, in our secular culture, saying it’s time to “come to Jesus” usually means anything but “come to Jesus.” The dictionary defines this expression as, “A moment of sudden realization, comprehension, or recognition that often precipitates a major change.”

That definition surely describes a genuine religious “come to Jesus” moment. I know it describes me to a “T” when I lost my faith in atheism, put my faith in Christ, and instantly had my craving for alcohol cease. But in our culture the phrase is used in business, sports, family matters, etc. For example: “Our son needs a ‘come to Jesus’ moment about getting better grades at school,” or, “People need a ‘come to Jesus’ moment about their smartphone addiction,” or a supervisor at work saying he needs to “have a ‘come to Jesus’ meeting with the employees who are performing poorly.”

In 2013, “Come to Jesus moment” won Forbes’ magazine’s annual Jargon Madness competition. They matched-up overused corporate buzzwords against each other, kind of like a March Madness basketball bracket. “Come to Jesus” won the national championship that year. (I had “At the end of the day” and “It is what it is” in my bracket, but I didn’t even get to the Final Four.) 

The phrase “Come to Jesus” is used a lot these days, and in most cases the real Jesus has nothing to do with it. From now on, if I hear someone use the expression “Come to Jesus” as a snarky substitute for a term such as “wake up call,” I’m going to add, “Literally.”

For example, if someone at work yells, “Bob screwed up another order! He really needs a ‘come to Jesus’ moment!” I will say, “Literally.” 

No one may even notice that I said anything. But it will be my little impromptu prayer for Bob. This is because really “coming to Jesus” is the best thing anyone can ever do, even those of us who have obviously cognitive decline. 

‘He Gets Us’ Gets Us Riled Up

During the Super Bowl in February, there were two “He Gets Us” commercials. By the way, the going rate for a 30-second spot during the big football game this year was $7 million. Wow.

If you’re not familiar with the “He Gets Us” campaign, here is a summary from Wikipedia: “‘He Gets Us’ is an American religious advertising campaign…. First launched in 2022, the campaign’s stated goal is to ‘reintroduce people to the Jesus of the Bible’. Its campaigns are designed to cater to younger demographics and religious skeptics via allusions to present-day social movements, with an emphasis on values such as inclusion, compassion, and ‘radical forgiveness’. At least $100 million was initially spent on the campaign, which has included billboards, sponsor placements, and television commercials.”

The first ad broadcast during the Super Bowl this year was titled “Foot Washing.” It showed various images of people having their feet washed, with the foot washers and foot washees representing different groups that generally don’t have much in common. The spot ended with the slogan: “Jesus didn’t teach hate. He washed feet.”

The second ad was titled, “Who Is My Neighbor?” The spot began with that question printed on the screen. Then a series of photos appeared of people who could be described as living on the margins of society. Finally, words appeared, answering the original question, with these three statements: “The one you don’t notice. The one you don’t value. The one you don’t welcome.” 

After those ads ran during the Super Bowl, the Internet lit up with passionate commentary, as people from all sides of the religious and political spectrums weighed in. The “He Gets Us” campaign has been quite controversial since its inception two years ago, and this year’s Super Bowl was no different. 

On the one hand, many traditional and conservative Christians criticized the ads for ignoring a key aspect of the Christian life: repentance and personal transformation. Since the brief ads did not discuss the need for repentance, it was claimed the ads justified certain sins. 

One commentator said the foot-washing ad “seems to imply that Jesus was cool with all kinds of sinful behavior. He wasn’t. He didn't go hangout with prostitutes or any other sinner because he accepted the choices they made, he did it to inspire them to change.”

Others claimed the ads were trying to “sell Jesus to leftists” and to use Jesus to “promote a political movement.” 

On the other hand, secular progressives have criticized the “He Gets Us” campaign ever since it began in 2022, mostly because they dislike religion in general and Christianity in particular. Any mention of Jesus in public sets these folks’ teeth on edge. 

Also, many people have criticized some of the donors who have been funding the “He Gets Us” program because those financial backers also support groups that promote traditional marriage and the idea that there are only two genders and neither is “changeable.”

So, the bottom line is this: the “He Gets Us” ads during the Super Bowl offended a lot of people. But were the ads really offensive, or do we live in a particular time and place where everybody gets offended by everything? 

When you are trying to target your message to people who are young, unchurched, and skeptical about organized religion, is hitting them over the head with a Bible and calling them sinners an effective strategy? Is it possible these people have no interest in religious faith precisely because church-going folks have been relentlessly judgmental toward them all their lives?

Just asking.

I’m no theologian, but it seems to me anytime the “name above all names” — that is, Jesus — is mentioned in a positive light in the public arena, that’s a good thing. 

If some young, disillusioned person becomes curious about Jesus after watching the Super Bowl ads, then later on there can be time for repentance and personal transformation. After all, it’s impossible to go from complete ignorance of Christ to vibrant faith in 30 seconds. 

The first step of evangelization is to plant seeds of faith. Maybe a potentially fruitful seed is the simple message that “Jesus gets us.” 

Watches and Sharpies and Quirks, Oh My!

A few weeks ago, I discussed a little personality quirk I have. (No, not THAT one!) Throughout my adult life, I have purchased quite a few inexpensive wrist watches. I have no idea why I’m so fixated on watches. But since I never spend more than $50 on a watch, I figure it’s better than being fixated on Porsches, yachts, or the meat counter at Stop n’ Shop. (Have you seen the prices nowadays?!)

After that column appeared in the newspaper, one alert reader sent me an email inquiring about my Apple Watch. Four or five years ago I wrote a column about buying an Apple Watch — which was NOT inexpensive, unless you consider $450 for a single watch a minor expense. If you do, then we are from completely different socio-economic worlds.

Anyway, I forgot about my Apple Watch, so I have to revise my claim: “I only purchase inexpensive watches — except for one time when I made a boneheaded decision and wasted $450 on a mini wrist computer.”

I forgot about the Apple Watch because I never wear it anymore. That expensive device is now sitting on the night table next to my bed, functioning as an alarm clock — an alarm clock that cost me about $430 more than necessary. I stopped wearing it because it’s not waterproof; it needs to be recharged every evening; and when you lift up your arm to see what time it is, there is a brief but annoying pause before the display screen lights up. I know having to wait an extra one-third of a second to see the time shouldn’t be a big deal, but I just found the pause irritating. So, I went back to wearing my cheap-o watches and demoted the Apple Watch to alarm clock status.

At the very end of that column a few weeks ago, I also mentioned another of my quirky fixations: I own way too many pens. I have enough pens right now to last me the rest of my life, even if I live to be 4,000 years old. I have enough pens to outfit every high school student in Litchfield County. 

I mentioned in the column that I’m not sure how many pens I own because I can’t count that high. That’s actually not true. I definitely can count into the hundreds, but I have no idea of the total number because my pen empire is scattered throughout many different locations: my desk at work, my desk at home, the top of my bureau, the cup holder in my car, a tin can on the kitchen counter, a bin with office supplies locked in our storage unit, and probably a dozen other places I’ve forgotten about. 

Right now I feel kind of guilty. And not because I’ve spent a lot of money over the years on a gazillion pens. Just like my watches, the pens I like the most are inexpensive. Since I was a youngster in school I’ve been partial to Bic pens. You can get a 10-pack for a couple bucks at Walmart. If I remember correctly, I wrote a column many years ago about good ol’ reliable Bic pens.

However, my affections have shifted during the past year, so I hope the Bic folks aren’t too upset. My current favorite writing instrument is the Sharpie S-Gel. Ooh, it feels good in my hand, writes smoothly, and a 4-pack is only five or six dollars. Yes, that’s a major price hike compared to Bics, but it’s still better than making impulse purchases of Corvettes. 

Well, that’s enough about those particular personality quirks. Maybe next week I’ll tell you about the other one, you know, THAT one! 

He Is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!

On Sunday we will celebrate Easter. Alleluia! Christ is risen! Alleluia! 

I am amazed by people who truly do NOT believe Jesus rose from the dead, and yet are still convinced Christianity is a wonderful religion. These folks believe that Jesus taught some terrific things about social and moral issues, and if we all would just follow those teachings the world would be a much better place. 

Now, there’s no doubt in my mind that if we all followed Jesus’ teachings the world indeed would be a much better place. But Jesus’ view on charity, compassion, and society’s obligation to the poor was not His main message — nor was it a new message, as many philosophies before and after the time of Jesus had “love your neighbor” as the basis of social morality. 

Jesus’ main message was Himself. Specifically, that He alone could forgive our sins, He alone could pay the price for our transgressions by dying on the cross, and He alone — pay close attention here — could conquer death once and for all by rising from the grave. 

St. Paul makes it abundantly clear that without the Resurrection, Christianity is nothing special. In his first letter to the Corinthians, Paul wrote: “If there is no resurrection of the dead, then neither has Christ been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, then empty, too, is our preaching; empty, too, your faith….For if the dead are not raised, Christ has not been raised, and your faith is vain; you are still in your sins. Then those who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. If only for this life have we hoped in Christ, we are the most pitiable people of all” (1 Cor 15:13-14, 16-19). 

That really says it all: if Jesus did not in fact rise from the grave, our Christian faith is pitiful, pathetic, useless. 

So, as I said, it really amazes me that there are so many people who say, “Well c’mon, only those extreme Fundamentalists and those rigid traditional Catholics still believe a resurrection can really happen. But it’s OK that Jesus did not rise, as long as we focus on his wonderful teachings about love and forgiveness, and hold hands and sing ‘Kumbaya,’ then the whole world will be happy.” 

Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. If Jesus’ body remained dead and rotting in the tomb, then in the grand scheme of things, our faith is worthless. Oh sure, this brand of Christianity might make people feel good for a while, but it is powerless over mankind’s biggest problem: death. 

I suspect these folks have fallen for one of the biggest scams in modern history: the anti-supernatural bias. This is the belief that the universe is composed ONLY of natural phenomena. Things such as angels and saints, soul and spirit, Heaven and Hell, and even God Himself, really do not exist, because they are supernatural. 

But when did we decide the natural world is all there is? The natural world is amazing, to be sure, since it was created by God. However, a supernatural dimension to reality still exists. And if God could work the miracle of creating the natural world, He surely can work the miracle of raising Jesus from the dead. 

So, on this celebration of the most momentous event in world history, the Resurrection, let’s focus on the risen Lord, and be certain that He really did rise from that tomb. As Paul said, if Jesus did not rise, our faith is in vain. But He DID rise, and that makes all the difference. That means we, too, can live forever in Heaven after our time here on earth is over. 

Alleluia! Christ is risen! Alleluia! 

Unplugging Digital Devices Can Be Painful

The official “Global Day of Unplugging” was on March 1st. It landed on a Friday this year, and when I heard the news report on the radio while driving to work, I said to myself, “Nope, not for me. Not today anyway.” I had a lot of things I had to do that day, mostly at work, and a lot of things I wanted to do that day, mostly not at work. Pretty much every single one of those things required a digital device.

I understand why the “Global Day of Unplugging” is a good idea. People nowadays are addicted to their screens — smartphones, tablets, computers, jumbo flatscreen TVs, etc. And I should know, because I’m addicted to mine. I’m not sure if AOADD is a genuine malady (Adult Onset Attention Deficit Disorder), but if it is, I have it. And it’s all because of digital devices that connect me to the internet.

To give you an example of how dependent I am on my devices, I recently stopped carrying my smartphone in the back pocket of my pants. I now keep the phone in my front pocket. I made the change because the phone fell out of my back pocket a couple of times when I sat down or when I got up from the sitting position. (One of those times the phone almost made a big splash when I was using the, um, the porcelain and tile library in our home, if you get my drift.)

So, I switched to carrying my phone in my front pants pocket. But I carried the phone in my back pocket for so many years, I still instinctively reach back there when I want my phone. Every single time I reach for my back pocket and feel that my phone is not there, I have a momentary surge of panic. My brain loudly declares inside my skull: “Omigod! Where’s the phone? We lost the phone!!”

A half-second later, my hand snaps forward and violently clutches my upper thigh. When my hand feels the thin rectangular shape of my phone, safely inside of my front pocket, I offer a big sigh of relief and tell my brain to stand down from DEFCON 1. But by then the adrenaline is already coursing through my veins and it will take another 10 minutes before my heart stops pounding like a jackhammer.

If that’s how I react when I think for half a second that I’ve misplaced my smartphone, I can’t imagine what will happen if I ever actually lose the thing. I’m thinking an ambulance ride to the Emergency Room at the very least.

So, what’s the point of this rambling nonsense? I’m not sure. As usual, I lost my train of thought. (Thanks a lot, AOADD!) Oh wait, I remember. The “Global Day of Unplugging.” When the official day occurred, I ignored it. But the following weekend I went for my annual retreat with the men from my parish. I thought to myself, “Hey, this will be a good time to have my own personal ‘Day of Unplugging.’”

When I arrived at the Holy Family Retreat Center in West Hartford on a Friday evening, I turned off all my devices and packed them away in the trunk of my car: smartphone, iPad, laptop computer, and bluetooth earbuds. 

Being disconnected from my digital devices went very well — for the first 30 minutes. Then the withdrawal symptoms started to kick in. It was a rather painful experience. But on the plus side, I found some electronic devices to distract and calm me down. On the minus side, those electronic devices were inside the ambulance that took me to the Emergency Room. 

Parable of the Sower Has Message for ‘Thorny Boy’

 During my morning devotions recently, the gospel reading was Jesus’ parable of the sower. You remember the story, right? Some seed was scattered on the path, some on rocky ground, some on thorny ground, and some on fertile ground. The seed on the path was immediately eaten by birds. The seed on rocky ground had no roots, and so the plants withered. The seed on thorny ground produced plants that were choked by the thorns. And the seed on fertile ground produced a bountiful harvest.

Jesus then explained the parable’s meaning. The seed stands for the Word of God. The path symbolizes those who have the Word preached to them, but they don’t listen, they don’t hear, and God’s holy Word has no effect on them. The rocky ground symbolizes those who hear the Word and rejoice, but soon after, trials and tribulations cause them to revert to their old faithless way of life. The thorny ground represents those who hear the Word and start to grow in faith, but then the worries of life and the pursuit of wealth become such distractions, they do not produce much of a “harvest.” Finally, the good soil represents those who hear the Word of God, rejoice and let it fill them with faith, as they truly produce a wonderful harvest of good works and love.

Ever since I first heard this parable at Mass — check that, I mean ever since I first paid attention to this parable at Mass — I identified with the thorny ground. At age 28, I finally came to believe that God is real and Christ is Lord, and it completely changed my life. In other words, I finally heard the Word and rejoiced. But then, life got in the way. As comedian Gary Gulman points out, “The thing about life is: it’s every…single…day!” 

Every day there’s always a new problem, a new challenge, a new stress, a new reason not to want to get out of bed in the morning. And in our fast-paced modern world, we are inundated by responsibilities and obligations. It’s relentless.

Many mornings, when I drag myself out of bed and think about my hectic schedule for the upcoming day, I’m already looking forward to 9:30 pm, when I can crawl back into bed and go to sleep. So, yes, for me personally, the quest for prosperity and the many worries of daily life are like thorny bushes that are choking my faith life.

I try to read the Mass readings each morning and meditate on them. That’s my daily devotion. But as I’m reading and allegedly meditating, my brain is focused on that day’s sizable to-do list. And when the Mass readings on a particular day are lengthy — like some of those epic stories from the Old Testament — I sarcastically think to myself, “Oh great, a long one. Now I’ll never get to work on time.” I’m pretty sure that’s not the mindset God is looking for when someone reads the holy Scriptures.

Every year when the parable of the sower is the gospel reading at Mass, I feel a twinge of conscience. The Holy Spirit says to me, “Hey, Thorny Boy, last year when you heard this reading, you said you were gonna clean up your cluttered schedule, stop worrying about stupid stuff, and spend more time in prayerful meditation. So what happened, huh?”

To which I reply, “Hey, Holy Spirit, since when did you start talking like Robert DeNiro?”

(Actually, God’s Spirit communicates with us in whatever ways are most effective. For me, a wise-guy DeNiro voice often works best.)

Later on that same day, when the Mass reading was the parable of the sower, I read this online: “If Satan can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.”

Whoa, it’s bad enough the “thorns” of life — worries and anxiety and struggling for financial success — often choke my faith. But if all the busyness in my life is being caused by the sinister Evil One, that’s unacceptable.

Well, we’re on the verge of Holy Week, the most sacred time on the entire Church calendar. This would be a good time to prune away some of the thorns that are choking my faith life. I certainly want to deepen my relationship with the Lord. But most of all, when the Parable of the Sower is the gospel reading sometime next year, I’d rather not hear the Holy Spirit say, “Hey, Thorny Boy…”

Don’t Be a Dope, Get a Scope

When I turned 50 years old back in 2007, I received a very exciting birthday present: my very first colonoscopy. Before the procedure, I met with a doctor to discuss what would occur. When my face turned pale, he said, “Don’t be alarmed. By the time you need to do this again in 10 years, new technology will make the procedure non-invasive. It’ll be like an MRI. We’ll slide you into a big tube, take some scans, and you’ll be done.”

That information didn’t really comfort me at the moment, since I was about to undergo the epitome of an IN-vasive procedure. But I do remember him saying that to me.

Well, just the other day, I had my third colonoscopy, and it turned out the original doctor I met with could not have been more wrong. This procedure was just as invasive as the previous ones. Good thing general anesthesia is standard. So, 17 years since that first doctor told me modern technology would soon develop a reliable external method for determining whether a person has colon cancer, the fact is, they still are using the ol’ Kodak camera duct-taped to the end of a garden hose method.

No, I’m kidding. There definitely were no Kodak cameras, duct tape, or garden hoses present in the procedure room. There were, of course, mini cameras and some kind of hose or tube involved. I didn’t actually see the equipment — I didn’t ask, and they didn’t offer to show it to me — but afterward I did see the photos of what was going on up, um, where the sun don’t shine. And I’m happy to report that nothing was going on, except for one tiny precancerous polyp.

The reason I’m even talking about this procedure — besides demonstrating that my sense of humor never progressed past the 6th grade level, especially regarding body parts that ought not be mentioned in polite society — is that I’m genuinely surprised modern medical research has not achieved what that first doctor was certain would be commonplace by now: an accurate, non-invasive method for examining one’s colon.

The advancements in modern medicine have been colossal during my lifetime. It seems every time you turn on the TV there’s another commercial where either Yale-New Haven or Hartford Healthcare are touting some miraculous new breakthrough. I think I saw one a while ago where a guy got hip replacement surgery on a Wednesday and then danced with his daughter at her wedding on Saturday. (I’m pretty sure he wasn’t break dancing, because if he had tried to break dance with his new hip, the word “break” would’ve been more than ironic.)

I wonder why my original doctor, back in 2007, was so certain a major advancement in gastroenterology would’ve occurred by now. I hope those brilliant medical equipment research scientists didn’t redirect their talents and skills to inventing something more flashy and lucrative, like video games or A.I. software. 

Before I conclude, I want to be serious for a moment — so pay attention, because seriousness only occurs in this column about once every eleventeen months. When your general practitioner doctor tells you it’s time to get a colonoscopy, your initial reaction might be one of three things: offer some 6th grade level wisecrack regarding body parts that ought not be mentioned in polite society; scrunch your nose and say, “Eww!”; or stick your fingers in your ears and repeatedly yell, “I can’t hear you!” Please, I’m begging you: make the appointment. The procedure is really not bad at all, and if they remove some polyps that were on the verge of turning into colon cancer, you will be absolutely thrilled. Trust me.

Thoughts on Prayer — Part 2

Last week we discussed prayer, and the reality that quite often it seems God does not answer our prayers. The fact is, we live in a fallen world. We all experience a lot of pain and heartache going through this thing we call life. When sin entered the world in the Garden of Eden, it corrupted everything. We can take comfort in knowing that God understands our sorrow and desires to bless us. 

Even though we wish God would answer all our prayers immediately and take away our pain, we can be confident that He loves us because of two important things He did. First, He sent His one and only Son to pay the price for sin and make it possible for us to be reconciled with Him. Second, He created a place called Heaven, where all of our pain and heartache will cease for all eternity.

This week I’d like to address a couple of other important aspects of prayer. Many people get discouraged and claim that God does not answer prayer. Well, we can look at it this way: God answers all of our prayers. Sometimes He answers, “Yes.” Sometimes He answers, “No.” And sometimes He says, “Wait.”

If we look back on our lives, we surely can remember times when we prayed for a certain outcome, maybe regarding a relationship or a job. That prayer seemingly was not answered, and we were very disappointed at the time. But soon after, something much more wonderful occurred, for example, a new and better relationship or a new and better job.

Speaking personally, if every plea I sent up to God was answered right away, in the exact way I asked (or more accurately, demanded), my life would’ve been a total mess. I probably would’ve died decades ago.

I think I have a pretty good idea of what I need, but in reality my list is more what I want. God, in His infinite wisdom, knows exactly what I truly need. Many times what I truly need does not match my often selfish list of what I want at all. So, it’s a good thing God answers many of my prayers with, “No,” or, “Wait.”

When Jesus’ disciples asked Him to teach them to pray, Jesus gave them what we call “The Lord’s Prayer.” Within that prayer is this petition we should say to God: “Thy will be done.” 

However, if we’re really honest, most of the time when our mouths are saying, “Thy will be done,” our hearts are thinking, “My will be done.”

Regarding “thy will” vs. “my will,” I’m reminded of a scene in the movie “Shadowlands,” a biography of the famous Christian author C.S. Lewis, starring Anthony Hopkins. During a crisis in his life, when his wife was dying of cancer, Lewis explained to a friend why he was praying so fervently. He said (and I paraphrase because it’s been a long time since I’ve seen the film), “I don’t pray so God will want to do my will; I pray so I will want to do His.” In the Bible, Jesus clearly instructs us to bring our petitions to our Heavenly Father. We should not be shy about asking God in prayer for what we need, and even for what we want. But sometimes the most perfect prayer is not when we plead, “Heal my loved one who has cancer, O Lord!” It instead is when we sincerely pray, “Give me the grace and strength to deal with whatever happens, O Lord!” 

It’s not that God is unable to heal every sickness immediately. He certainly has that power. But in His infinite wisdom, He has decided to let the awful results of sin — pain and heartache and death — to play out in our world during this era of history. 

When God so chooses, He does answer prayer with a miraculous healing. But more often than not, he answers our prayer by giving us the grace and strength to handle the heartaches of life. It may not be what we want at the moment, but it’s exactly what we need.

And when we get to Heaven, we’ll look back and realize that God’s wisdom is perfect, and that He did in fact give us exactly what we needed. 

Hey friends, WATCH this!

I have a confession to make: I buy things I really don’t need. (What a shocking admission! This stunning revelation means that I am no different than 98% of all Americans.)

For me, what I buy that I really don’t need are inexpensive watches. Right now I own enough watches to outfit nine people. In other words, I have nine watches, since no one ever needs more than one watch. 

Nine is actually on the low side at this moment in time. In the past, there have been times when I owned upwards of 15 different watches at once. Since the watches I purchase are inexpensive, after a while the batteries die, the bands break, or the hour hands detach and lay there loose under the crystal. Having a “minutes only” watch is not very useful. “Hey Bill, what time is it?” “It’s a quarter after.” “Quarter after what?” “Um, I dunno.”

With inexpensive watches, having a new battery installed or replacing the band is usually more costly than the watch itself. So, most of the time I just throw the old one away. 

A couple of months ago, I bought myself a post-Christmas present: a new scuba diver’s watch. Now, I need a scuba diver’s watch about as much as I need a Timex “Ironman Triathlon” watch (of which I own two). Just hearing the word “triathlon” makes me feel weak, and if I pause to think about what triathletes actually do in a single day — swim 2.4 miles, then ride a bicycle 112 miles, and then run a 26.2 mile marathon — I have to lie down for a while and rest. So, I absolutely do not need an “Ironman Triathlon” wristwatch. And yet, I own a couple. Why? Because they possess the features I like: they tell time accurately, they have a stopwatch, a timer, multiple alarms, a glow in the dark button, they’re waterproof, and most importantly, they cost less than 40 bucks, so if I break it or lose it, I don’t care.

I know a guy who owns a $10,000 Rolex. If I owned a watch that expensive, I’d have to put it in a safety deposit box at the bank. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night, fearful that it would be lost or stolen. However, with my collection of less-than-$50-each beauties, I sleep like a baby. (Actually, at my age now, I do sleep like a baby: wake up every three hours.)

Right after Christmas, concluding that new socks and underwear were not the most exciting gifts Santa Claus could’ve given to me, I made an impulse buy on Amazon: a really spiffy Casio scuba diver’s watch. It’s large and heavy and has a dial that spins around — so I know exactly how much air is left in my scuba tank, which comes in very handy, um, never. From a distance, my new watch looks just like a Rolex. (Although the best distance for this to be true is around 100 feet away.)

The price of the watch was exactly $49, with free shipping because of my Amazon Prime membership. (I don’t know about you, but does it seem that paying the monthly Prime membership fee to get free shipping compels a person to make more impulse purchases? Nah, Amazon would never manipulate customers like that, would they?)

Anyway, that’s my confession for this week: I own many more inexpensive watches than really makes sense. At least my little emotional quirk does not involve purchasing an over-abundance of Lamborghinis, right?

Next week, maybe I’ll discuss my collection of inexpensive pens. I’m not sure how many I have, since I can’t count that high. 

Keys to a Great Vacation: Napping and No Pickleball

My wife and I recently went to Florida for a week, and our vacation was wonderful. Was it wonderful because it was 85 degrees in February? Nope. Was it wonderful because we went to many fabulous restaurants (to the point where I contemplated buying some stretch pants)? Nope. Was it wonderful because I used membership points from my credit card company (points I didn’t even know I had until late last year) to pay for the airfare and rental car? Nope. 

The reason our vacation was wonderful is very simple: we napped. That’s right, on multiple days while in Florida we laid down on the bed during the middle of the afternoon and just zonked out for 20 minutes. It was delightful.

I rarely get an opportunity to nap these days since my schedule is so hectic. So, when I finally had a chance to do it multiple days in a row, it was terrific. I never used to need to nap or want to nap, but now that I’m an official geezer, I realize the countries around the world that have the “siesta culture” are really doing it right. 

Speaking of being a geezer, every time I’ve gone to Florida in the past, I felt like a young pup. After all, they don’t call the state “God’s Waiting Room” for nothing. In some places, the average age seems to be approaching triple digits. But on this visit to the Sunshine State, the first time I’ve gone since before Covid, I fit right in. Everyone assumed I was a retired “snow bird,” just enjoying the weather until April, at which time I would travel back north like everyone else. More than a few times I had to say, “No no, despite this gray hair, I’m still working full time back in New England.”

Another thing I said more than a few times while in Florida was, “No thanks. I’d rather not.” Each time I said this, the other person stared in confusion, then finally muttered, “But, but I don’t understand. You mean you DON’T want to play pickleball? Everybody plays pickleball!”

Yeah, well, maybe everybody plays pickleball, but not this guy. You see, I made a promise to a couple of close friends that I would never engage in any activity that would put them in mortal jeopardy. My two friends are my Left Achilles tendon and my Right Achilles tendon.  

In recent years I’ve known of several friends and acquaintances — some my age, others quite younger — who were playing low-key games such as beer league softball or doubles tennis, and then suddenly they dropped like a rock, with one of their heel bones no longer attached to the appropriate calf muscle. The subsequent surgery and recovery from the ruptured Achilles tendon was painful and lengthy. 

I had a long talk with my two friends, Lefty and Righty. We came to an agreement that if I engaged only in physical exercise that does not require fast stopping and starting with my legs — such as swimming, walking, or sitting at the Black Jack tables at Foxwoods — then they would keep my calf muscles and heels connected. In my mind, it’s a very sensible agreement. 

When we returned home to Connecticut, It was nice that I did not have to exit the plane using crutches. Once I got off the plane, I did have to hustle to the men’s room, you know, being a geezer and all. As I hustled, Lefty and Righty reminded me, “No need to jog, pal. Just walk briskly and we’ll get you there on time.”

All in all, even though I had to disappoint many people with my “no pickleball” rule, our time in Florida was wonderful. 

Thoughts on Prayer

A young woman in her 30s, the mother of two small children, is diagnosed with cancer. Her family and friends pray fervently to God for her healing. But after a year of grueling surgery and treatments, the cancer spreads and she passes away. This is a heart-breaking situation, and most people know of someone who has gone through a similar ordeal. 

When something like this happens, people ask the obvious question: why didn’t God answer our prayers?

This is one of the frustrating aspects of religious faith. We pray for certain things to happen, such as a physical healing. Sometimes our prayers are answered and the person is healed, and other times the person gets even sicker and eventually dies. It seems God completely ignored our prayers.

The Bible and the Church teach us that God hears our prayers and that He takes delight in answering them. If that is the case, then why are there so many examples of sincere, desperate prayers NOT being answered?

There is an age-old question, which was the title of a popular book many years ago: “Why do bad things happen to good people?” That question is one of the primary reasons some folks lose their faith. It’s fair to ask how a good God can sit back and let so many terrible tragedies happen to innocent people.

I wish I had a simple answer to that question, but I don’t. There are, however, a couple of things we should keep in mind when pondering this issue.

First, from God’s point of view, our entire time on earth, even if we live to be 95 years old, is like a fraction of a second compared to eternity in Heaven. Yes, when a young person succumbs to a fatal disease, it is tragic — from our early point of view. But the Bible tells us that Heaven is a place where tears are wiped from our eyes forever. When the soul of the person who died young enters Heaven, I suspect he or she laughs with joy and says, “Wow, being sick and dying young is no big deal, now that I’m here!”

Of course, if there is no God and no eternal life, then all the tragedies of life are just that: tragedies. But entering into eternal life in God’s heavenly kingdom is how all the tragedies of earth can be made right. Instead of a drama with a sad, tragic ending, our lives become a grand saga with a happy ending — although since we’re talking about Eternity, the happiness actually never ends.

Another thing to consider: Scripture teaches us that the pain and suffering of this world are the result of sin. When our original ancestors, Adam and Eve, rebelled against the divine Creator, it caused paradise to become a fallen world. Pain and heartache and death were the unfortunate result of sin.

God proved that he truly loves us when He sent His one and only Son to suffer and die, which paid the price for sin. This stunning act of sacrificial love made it possible for us to be reconciled back to our Creator and enter into eternal heavenly joy. 

Does a grieving young man, standing next to his wife’s coffin with his two children by his side, want to hear that our time on earth is a fraction of a second compared to Heaven, and that Jesus paid the price for our sin? Not really. What he needs at that moment is for someone to silently weep with him. Why? Because the pain and heartache of death are real, and the only thing worse than grieving the death of a loved one is doing it alone.

Why doesn’t God answer all our prayers the way we want Him to? I wish I knew. It’s a divine mystery. But God went to so much trouble to make it possible for us to enter into Heaven for all eternity, it’s obvious He loves us more than we can comprehend.

When we grieve and weep over the tragedies of life, we can be sure that God weeps with us. That may not be very comforting when we’re in the throes of sorrow, but later on it can bring great comfort. In the meantime, keep praying. And when necessary, silently weep with those who are grieving. 

Country Bumpkin Visits the Big City

I freely admit that I’m a suburbanite/country bumpkin kind of guy. So, if I spend any time in a big city, it’s a major adventure. Chicago is an amazing city. In January, Chicago is an amazingly cold city. I was there six weeks ago for a tradeshow, and overall my trip was great.

However, I stayed in a very fancy hotel, and the country bumpkin in me was rather baffled by some of the high falutin’ amenities. For example, my room had an ultra modern coffee machine. It operated similarly to a Keurig coffee maker, except with nine extra levels of complexity. 

My coffee maker simply would not work. I hesitate to claim it was broken, because maybe I was doing something incorrectly. The machine had a sticker that listed the 11-step process required to brew a single cup, so maybe I did one of these steps out of sequence. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe a person needs a Doctorate in mechanical engineering to get a cup of coffee in a downtown Chicago hotel. 

The coffee maker situation was not insurmountable, since I could go down to the hotel lobby and get a Starbucks coffee for $8.50. (I suspect the Starbucks baristas were a bit shocked that I was in my underwear with a towel draped over my shoulder. But hey, that’s my standard attire whenever I have a cup of coffee in a hotel room.) 

The other thing that puzzled me about my ultra-fancy hotel room was the shower. As a country bumpkin kind of guy, I’ve always thought a bathtub with a shower curtain was more than adequate. But nowadays all the classy hotels — no doubt inspired by trend-setting cities such as Paris, London, and Naugatuck — have replaced the good ol’ tub and shower curtain setup with The Glass Box.

In the Chicago hotel, The Glass Box was a narrow rectangle with the glass entry door on the far left side and the plumbing fixtures on the far right side. The shower head itself was about the size of a dinner plate and was suspended from the ceiling, about 18 inches in from the wall. In order to reach the handle to turn on the water and set the temperature, you had to stand directly under the shower head. The Glass Box was too narrow to stand off to the side.

Now, at this point, if you are a celebrated architect or interior designer, you see no problem with this scenario, since The Glass Box is so beautiful. But if you are a lowly suburbanite/country bumpkin, you already understand that when you rotate the handle to turn the shower on, all the water that’s been sitting in the pipes overnight — which is no longer anything resembling “warm” — comes gushing down right onto your head.

The first morning that happened to me, I thought, “Whoa, I must’ve done it wrong. Just like the coffee maker, there’s gotta be a correct way to do this that I haven’t figured out yet.”

Well, even though I had two more mornings to try and figure it out, it seemed the only way to keep from getting a blast of cold water on my head was to track down a maintenance guy, borrow a broom, and use it to turn the shower handle from a distance. But based on the baristas’ reaction earlier, I decided not to wander around the lobby in my underwear looking for a maintenance guy. 

All in all, it was a fine trip to the Windy City. But in the future, if any hotel wants to offer a “Country Bumpkin” travel package, with a simple coffee maker and a tub with a shower curtain, they’ve got my business.