Horoscope or ‘Horror Scope’?

Horoscopes are very popular. Virtually every newspaper publishes them on a daily basis, and even many radio stations announce the horoscope predictions each morning. Some people won’t even leave the house until they know what the “stars” say about their fortunes that day. And by “stars,” I don’t mean Hollywood celebrities. I mean, instead, those flaming balls of hot gas way out in the universe. (Oh wait, that kind of describes many Hollywood celebrities, doesn’t it?)

Anyway, I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone cares about the horoscopes. They never say anything specific. For instance, here is what a few recent horoscopes had to say:

Aries: “You might feel challenged by what is going on.” Oh, that’s really helpful. If you have a job or kids, this statement applies every single day of your life.

Taurus: “Sometimes you might not be sure of what is going on between you and a loved one.” (See the Aries reference about having kids.)

Virgo: “Bosses and those in charge push much harder than you would like.” (See the Aries reference about having a job.)

See what I mean? Those statements are so vague they are meaningless. The people who write the horoscopes must be afraid of making predictions which could turn out not to be true. So what? Politicians and economists and TV weathermen make predictions all the time that turn out not to be true. Do you ever see any of them losing their jobs?

I’d like to see the horoscope writers get a little bolder. Take a risk. Go out a limb. If you’re wrong, who cares? At least it might be interesting for a change. Here are a few suggestions:

Libra: “By noon today you will wish you had purchased more insurance yesterday. You also will discover your car’s airbag does not work properly.”

Cancer: “Today you will gain new insight and knowledge: the realization that everyone in your office hates you and has been talking about you behind your back for years.”

Leo: “A few years from now you will look back nostalgically on this day as the last day you were in good health.”

Scorpio: “An old college acquaintance will surprise you today — with a 13-year-old son and a paternity suit.”

Gemini: “An I.R.S. computer has flagged you for a complete audit. The notice will arrive in tomorrow’s mail. The good news, however, is that the I.R.S. audit will not begin until the secret F.B.I. investigation has been completed.”

Sagittarius: “Your current home improvement project has been a model of do-it-yourself, cost-saving efficiency in every way — except for the part where you electrocute yourself later this afternoon. But on the bright side (Get it? BRIGHT side?), the new addition you are constructing will be the perfect place for your post-funeral reception.”

Capricorn: “Your boss just discovered your little ‘accounting irregularities.’ Flee the country. And no, you do not have time to pack.”

Aquarius: “Good news and bad news: the good news is you are going on a long vacation. The bad news is your vacation is at the state penitentiary for seven to ten years. No, we’re sorry, the really bad news is your new roommate is a weight lifting-obsessed, convicted axe murderer.” 

Pisces: “Thirty years of donuts and Big Macs will finally catch up with your heart arteries at about 7:15 this evening. Try not to land on sharp-edged furniture or a hard tile floor, since the bleeding from your head could cause confusion in the Emergency Room as to exactly what is wrong with you. Other than that, the stars indicate the rest of your day will be exciting and special.”