Car License Plates Are Too Artsy

Since I drive a lot for my job, I see plenty of license plates on other cars. Let me just say, they don’t make license plates like they used to.

Years ago, the function of a license plate was rather simple: it was an easy-to-read device to identify a particular motor vehicle. Every state had its own color scheme. In Connecticut it was a blue background with white numbers and letters. I remember a few other states: California was yellow on a black background, New Hampshire was white on green, and New York was black on orange.

People still were able to get “vanity plates” back then, with their initials, nickname, or some other personal message. It was always interesting to see a plate such as “MY VETT” on a station wagon, so you knew the arrival of children finally forced somebody to trade in his beloved Corvette for a more practical vehicle.

But the point is, license plates back then may not have been very flashy, but they were very functional. You could tell right away which state a car was from by the color scheme, and you could read the big, block numbers and letters easily.

Nowadays license plates have become far too flashy and artsy, and as a result have lost their primary function because they are often quite difficult to read. For example, many states now have multiple color schemes. You can no longer instantly tell which state a car is from based on the colors.

And all the different pictures and images on license plates these days are out of control. On just Connecticut plates alone I’ve seen the following images: dogs, cats, children, greenways, sailing ships, eagles, American flags, bobcats, and lighthouses. On the license plates of other states, I’ve seen images of the space shuttle, tigers, lobsters, sunsets, flowers, Mount Rushmore, peaches, oranges, an egret — or maybe it was a duck — airplanes, and, I think, Oprah. (She owns her own state now, doesn’t she?)

Many license plates have an image of a famous state landmark or product. The picture of a lobster lets you know a car is from Utah; the image of oranges can be found on North Dakota plates; and Mount Rushmore appears on license plates from Vermont. (Hey, state history and geography were not my best subjects.) I’m surprise Connecticut plates do not have an image of our most famous state activity: loading a moving van and fleeing to a business-friendly region.

The worst problem of all with license plates is the fact that most car dealerships put plastic frames around the plates. These frames clearly display the dealer’s name, but often cover up important information on the plates themselves (which is why I had to guess the location of the lobster, the oranges, and Mount Rushmore).

Imagine that you witness a crime and you get a glimpse of the getaway car. Later, a policeman asks you, “Did you see the license plate?”

“Yes,” you reply. The cop says, “What state?”

You answer, “Tommy’s Toyota World.”

“Well, what was the license plate number?” the cop asks.

“I dunno,” you say, “but I think there was a picture of a salt marsh and a bird. It might have been an egret — or maybe a duck.”

“Thank you very little,” the cop mutters, as he radios in to headquarters to have all units be on the lookout for an egret — or maybe a duck.

I wish they would go back to good ol’ functional license plates and outlaw those dopey plastic frames. I don’t really care where a person bought his car. And I don’t really care that his state bird is an egret — or maybe a duck.