Fighting Like Cats and Dogs

There are a lot of heated debates taking place in our society these days. There are debates between Red Sox fans and Yankee fans; debates between religious believers and atheists; and debates between those who think the president is an impulsive blowhard and those who instead think the president is an undisciplined blabbermouth.

However, the most passionate debates nowadays occur because of this one question: Which pets are the best, dogs or cats?

Let’s review some basic facts about these two types of animals. First, here are some of the positive qualities of dogs:

• Dogs are friendly and loyal and seek to please their human masters, while cats are anti-social and aloof and ignore their human masters (except when their human masters pick up a can opener). Even the phrase “human masters” does not really apply to cats as they make it quite clear they will not be mastered by anyone. 
  

• Dogs like to play and will chase a stick or a tennis ball for hours — even when their human masters get tired of the game after the first 10 minutes. Cats rarely like to play, and they never chase anything thrown by their human masters, um, I mean, their owners, uh, let’s see, I mean, their caregivers. 

• Dogs are obedient. Well, no dog that I’ve ever owned was obedient, but that might have been my fault. With dogs, at least there is a chance for obedience if proper training has occurred, while with cats, there is NO CHANCE for obedience; obeying anyone is simply against the nature of a cat. 
  

OK, now for the other side. Here are some positive qualities of cats:

• Cats are clean animals. They groom themselves constantly (although the resultant hairballs are kind of gross), while dogs usually smell like, well, dogs. When cats go outside, unlike dogs, they do not immediately track down a rotting possum carcass onto which they can roll around and acquire a nice robust scent. And cats prefer to take care of bodily functions in a discreet location, such as a neighborhood kid’s sandbox, while dogs like to leave a big ol’ steaming mound of fun right where I’m sure to walk. 
  

• Cats are a lot smarter than dogs. I know this statement offends dog lovers, but c’mon, be honest, dogs are as dumb as a doorknob. As someone who’s had enough after the first 10 minutes of throwing the tennis ball (now covered in drool — the ball, I mean, not me), while the dog is more than willing to continue chasing it until at least next Tuesday, I can only conclude there is not a whole lot going on inside that little doggie brain. Cats may be pretty dumb, too, but they always look like they’re scheming to murder someone, so I get the impression there is a bit more going on upstairs than just, “Oh boy! A tennis ball! Throw it! No wait, first I have to embarrass you by licking myself. OK, now throw it!”
  

• Cats don’t bark late at night in the neighbor’s yard while I’m trying to sleep. Yes, I occasionally hear the very unpleasant screeching sounds of a cat fight at night, but those episodes are few and far between, compared to the sleep-disturbing barking that occurs like clockwork night after night. 

Now it’s time for my loyal readers, all six of you, to weigh in on this debate. Please email me at MerryCatholic@gmail.com and tell me why you have pets, and which incorrigible critter you prefer in your home: a dog or a cat or a blowhard president. And keep an eye out for the responses in a future column.