“Hi, my name is Bill, and I’m an
exaggerator.”
“Hi, Bill,” everyone in the room replies
in unison.
I stand awkwardly for a few moments,
unsure of what to say next. Then the leader at the front of the room, a man named
Joe, calmly says, “Don’t be nervous, Bill. I know this is your first
Exaggerators Anonymous meeting. We’re all here to support you. And of course,
we’re all in the same boat with you — we struggle with exaggeration. Not run of
the mill lying, mind you, but exaggeration, you know, tall tales, stretching
the truth, malarkey, and good ol’ fashioned B.S.”
All 20 or so people in the room look at
me, nod their heads in agreement, and smile. Yes, we’re all in this together, I
realize. That calms my nerves a bit. The leader says, “Just tell us about your
struggles, what you’ve been going through lately.”
“OK,” I reply softly. Then I take a deep
breath and say, “Well, where to begin? I guess I’ve always been tempted to
exaggerate. It’s probably genetic. You see, I come from an Irish-American
family, and with our heritage, we believe it’s more important to tell an
interesting story than an accurate story. We call it ‘blarney,’ and playing
fast and loose with the facts is kind of what we do. I’ve probably been to a
million family parties where someone tells a funny story, and when the laughter
subsides, someone else will say, ‘That was a fine story, lad. It would’ve been
even better if it were true!’ And then everyone starts laughing again.”
Joe, at the front of the room, gently
says, “Bill, you just said you’ve been to these family parties, umm, a MILLION
times.”
I quickly close my eyes and shake my
head. “Oh man, see what I mean?” I moan. “I do it without even realizing it!”
“That’s OK. That’s OK,” Joe quickly
assures me. “It’s going to take a while. But recognizing our unconscious
exaggerations is a key goal of this group. You’ll get the hang of it soon, I’m
sure. Go on, Bill. Tell us more.”
“All right,” I say. “Well, besides my
family situation, I also have another strong temptation to exaggerate. You see,
I write a humor column each week for the local newspaper. And basically, they
pay me to make things up. Now, it’s not completely fabricated stuff. For
example, I would never write about being at a fictitious 12-step meeting. No,
not dumb stuff like that. It’s more like discussing everyday events in my life —
my family, my job, the sports teams I like, what shows I watch on TV — and then
wildly embellishing it. And the thing is, the more ridiculous and outlandish the
exaggeration, the more positive feedback I get from readers!”
“Oh, that is a real problem,” Joe says
somberly. “Any other things you’d like to share, Bill?”
“Well, there is one more aspect of my
life that might be a problem,” I say nervously. “For my fulltime job, I am,
umm, I’m in sales.”
A collective gasp rises up from the
room. Joe’s jaw hangs open. Murmuring begins, and someone whispers, “That’s the
exaggeration hat trick. His case is hopeless!”
Joe finally quiets the room down. Then
he says, “Bill, thank you so much for sharing. Please take your seat, and you
and I can talk privately afterwards. Now, it’s time to hear from our other new
member.”
Joe looks to the back of the room and
points. A large man with curious orange hair stands up. “This is ridiculous,”
he exclaims. “But Melania insisted that I come here. So, here goes. My name is
Donald….”
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