Wednesday, May 27, 2020

With a Little Help From His Friend

My friend Chris Zarzycki is concerned that I have to come up with new ideas each week for this column. I’m surprised Chris hasn’t noticed that most of my essays are 100% idea free. I prefer the writing style known as mindless typing, where I just string together a bunch of rambling words and hope some of them ultimately make sense. (Kind of the same way a certain orange person gives answers during press conferences.)

Anyway, Chris offered to give me some assistance, and he emailed some clever observations about the COVID-19 pandemic. He said I can use them however I see fit. Well, since I barely have enough time each week to type out my regular stream-of-unconsciousness observations, I’m more than happy to let Chris compose half of this week’s column. (By the way, if anyone else wants to send along 600 random words, to which I can affix my name and print in the newspaper, be my guest. That will free up at least nine minutes of my busy weekly schedule.)
Chris sent along enough content to fill maybe half a column. (Keep that in mind next time, pal. How can I be a slacker if you won’t do all the work?)

What I’ve done below is blend Chris’ observations with mine. If you’re curious about who wrote what, just go with this formula: if it’s funny, then it probably was me. No, I’m kidding, Chris’ sense of humor is very similar to mine — which means his family deserves our sympathy.

Here are comments today’s kids will be able to say to their own kids many years from now (assuming the coronavirus pandemic subsides and we return to normal sometime before the year 2025):

“You think being grounded for a week is tough. When I was your age, I was grounded for [fill in the blank: four months, four years, I can’t count that high, etc.].”

“When I was a kid, I had to go to school with my mother looking over my shoulder for an entire semester. On the plus side, the refrigerator was only five steps away. Hmm, that probably explains my Type 2 diabetes.”

“Hey, stop using so much toilet paper. When I was your age, we were given one square per day!”

“You are definitely getting a haircut today, young man. What do you think this is, the year 2020?”
Now, here are some comments today’s kids will be able to say to their own kids in the future if no vaccine is discovered and social distancing and facemasks become a permanent way of life:

“Jimmy! If I catch you shaking hands again, you’re going straight to your room!”

“Today is called Halloween, son, and it’s very scary because it’s the only day during the year when you DON’T wear a mask!”

“Here kid, have a cigarette. It will keep your hands busy so you’re not tempted to do something dangerous, like shake hands.”

“No, I’m not making it up. There once were buildings called ‘schools,’ where 25 children would go into the SAME room!”

“Yup, when I was young, they used to cram 180 people inside an aluminum tube, and then the thing would fly to Florida in less than three hours. We used to call them ‘airplanes,’ but now we know they were actually flying viral petri dishes.”

“I know it’s prom night, but I insist that you say good-night to your virtual date and close your computer by midnight!”
“Where should we go on vacation this year, kids? To the YouTube video of Lake George, or the YouTube video of Disney World?”

Let’s hope and pray that NONE of what Chris and I wrote will come true.

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