Inside a swanky conference room at the
corporate offices of Big Bucks Bank, Inc. — the company that issues the
well-known SLISA, DisasterCard, and Crapital One credit cards — an executive vice
president is conducting a training session for mid-level managers. He begins
the meeting by declaring, “It has come to our attention that there are major
problems with our customer service telephone help line. Therefore, we will be
instituting new procedures to improve performance.
“First,” he continues, “far too many of
our customer service agents speak English as their primary language. This
cannot continue. So, beginning today, the HR Department is launching a major
hiring push so that at least 80% of all phone operators will be natives of
nations with severe accents, such as India, Croatia, Alabama, and Boston.”
Two junior managers glance at each other
with furrowed brows, which send the silent message: “Hmm, that doesn’t make
sense.”
The executive explains the second major
procedural change. “Next, we will make sure that every single time our customer
service people get on the line with a customer, they require the customer to recite
their account number, full name and address, last four digits of their social
security number, and the correct answer to a previously selected personal
security question. By the way, my favorite security question is: ‘What was your
first pet’s mother’s maiden name?’ That always confuses them!”
Most of the people in the conference
room furiously take notes, but the two junior managers once again glance at
each other and ever so slightly shrug their shoulders.
Suddenly, the executive vice president
says, “Mr. Wilson. Mr. Phelps. Is there a problem?”
The two junior managers sit bolt upright
in their chairs and nervously mutter, “No sir. No problem at all.”
The vice president says icily, “Then I
suggest you start taking notes, gentlemen. OK, now where was I? Oh yes,
procedure number two. Not only will our customer service agents ask for full
personal information when they first speak to a customer, they also will
require all this information every time they get back on the line after being
on hold, however briefly. Our research indicates most customers will complain
after the third time, so our people need to be prepared to say, ‘Sorry, but
it’s for security purposes so no one gets unauthorized access to your
account.’”
The two young managers, like everyone
else, nod their heads in agreement. But one of them, Mr. Wilson, writes on his
note pad “THIS IS CRAZY!!”
The executive vice president takes a
deep breath and says, “Now, for the final new procedure, my personal favorite: whenever
a customer service call reaches the one-hour mark, our computerized phone
system will automatically disconnect the call, forcing the customer to call
back and start all over again! Isn’t that terrific?!”
The other junior manager, Mr. Phelps,
raises his hand. “Sir, I’m sorry, but I don’t understand. You said our goal is
to improve performance. How can these new procedures possible do that?”
The executive shakes his head and says,
“I guess some people are just not management material. Let me explain, Mr.
Phelps. Scientific research has determined when a typical account holder has a
horrible experience with a customer service telephone help line, once their
frustration subsides, they become too terrified to switch to a different
service provider, fearful of starting from scratch with new account numbers,
new personal security questions, etc. So, the bottom line is: the more painful
we make the process, the more likely they remain loyal customers! As you know, cable
TV companies have been doing this for years.”
Mr. Phelps replies with awe, “That’s
pure genius, sir. No wonder we’re known as the company that cares.”
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