Christmas Smorgasbord Column

Whenever I think of something that might be a good topic for a column, I’ll write it down on a scrap of paper and add it to a fairly large pile of notes on my desk. When I sit down at my computer to write, but have no specific idea in mind, I’ll flip through the notes and hope some creative inspiration jumps out at me. A few months ago, a spider jumped out from the note pile, and so far that’s the only jumping that’s occurred. (Not counting the jumping I did when I saw the spider.)

Anyway, as I was flipping through my notes, I thought, “None of these topics are interesting enough for a full column, but maybe I can do a smorgasbord essay, a series of short, unrelated observations.”

Well, my deadline is tomorrow, so here goes:

Recently I had to drive from Manchester to Waterbury on Interstate-84. Along the way I saw seven trial lawyer billboards. Let me rephrase that: I saw billboards for seven different trial lawyer FIRMS. The total number of lawyer billboards along that stretch of highway had to be at least 20.

Why are roadside billboards now dominated by accident and injury lawyers? I think I know why. The attorneys want to distract as many drivers as possible, and when they bang into each other, boom! Brand new clients.

I wonder if those trial lawyers can be held liable for causing a motor vehicle accident? I’d love to see the big lady with spiked hair sue the guy who’s always on a motorcycle.

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I don’t know about you, but on my 2023 Bingo Card, I definitely did not have: “Dolly Parton sings ‘Free Bird’ with the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd.”

Dolly’s new album, “Rock Star,” is actually a lot of fun. The country music icon recorded dozens of classic rock n’ roll songs, many as duets with the original artists, including Steven Tyler, Elton John, Joan Jett, Peter Frampton, Paul McCartney, Sting, Pat Benatar, and Stevie Nicks. I recommend that you give it a spin.

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I recently read that 25% of all Americans still have not finished paying off their holiday shopping debt from 2022. What are the odds these same people refrained from making any Christmas purchases this year, to give themselves time to get their fiscal houses in order? Yeah, I agree: zero.

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It dawned on me recently that I have no idea what figgy pudding is. Each December, I hear those old Christmas carols that mention figgy pudding, and often I sing along. But what exactly is it? No clue.

As an American, I know that pudding is a creamy, sweet, dairy product, which used to be pitched on TV by he-who-shall-not-be-named. Remember the ads for “Jello puddin’ pops”? Everyone now is trying to forget, and rightfully so, that he used to be called “America’s dad.” 

Anyway, I looked it up, and it turns out figgy pudding is more like a dense cake filled with dried fruit, which sounds like a typical British culinary move: start with something that has the potential to be tasty and then ruin it.

According to USA Today, this holiday favorite in the UK “is traditionally made with suet (which is raw beef or mutton fat), eggs, brown sugar, breadcrumbs, spices, dried fruits and, last — but certainly not least — brandy.”

It seems like figgy pudding is just the British version of fruitcake. And we all know how joyful it is to receive a fruitcake for Christmas. Not!

OK, we’re finished. My pile of notes did the job this week. Have a wonderful Christmas, and we’ll see you back here next week. Hopefully I’ll think of something interesting by then.