Clearing Up Campaign Confusion

Welcome to another edition of the world famous Question & Answer column, “Ask Professor Politics.” Our topic this week is political advertising.

Before we get to the questions, let’s first be clear: all red-blooded Americans truly wish to fulfill their solemn civic duty and participate in the democratic process on Election Day. (“All” being defined as 40 percent of registered voters — less if it’s raining.) But there is a slight problem. Most people get their information these days via campaign commercials. This can cause confusion, as political ads often contain a tad bit of exaggeration and hyperbole. (Which, of course, is a polite way of saying a dump truck load of bovine excrement.) This column will cut through the chaos and confusion, so that on Election Day all red-blooded Americans can perform their solemn civic duty: get up early, look out the window, and confidently declare, “Gee, it looks like rain. I can’t be bothered.” 

Dear Professor Politics: Why are campaign advertisements so negative?

Answer: Although countless surveys indicate that 99.99 percent of the general public hates negative campaign ads, history tells us the last politician to win an election without broadcasting negative commercials about his or her opponent was George Washington in 1789, and this was primarily due to the fact he had no opponent that year.

Dear Professor Politics: Be that as it may, isn’t it wrong for a politician to label his opponent as a “thumb-sucking, bed-wetting communist”?

Answer: This requires a two-part answer. Number one: we don’t use the phrase, “Be that as it may,” around here. It’s a sure sign that someone is a thumb-sucking, bed-wetting communist. Number two: the label is technically OK as long as the politician does not say WHEN his opponent did those things. Countless surveys indicate that 99.99 percent of all political candidates at one time sucked their thumbs and wet their beds — usually around age two.

Dear Professor Politics: But what about the communist label? Is that OK?

Answer: It is acceptable as long as the opponent first called him a “right-wing, jack-booted Nazi fascist.”

Dear Professor Politics: When a campaign commercial claims the candidate “said ‘No!’ to special interest groups,” what does that actually mean?

Answer: It means the candidate was insulted by the special interest groups’ meager campaign contributions, and the candidate absolutely refuses to jump in bed with those groups unless they send over a dump truck filled with hundred-dollar bills.

Dear Professor Politics: What is the difference between organized crime and the government?

Answer: Only one is organized. (And thank you for teeing that one up for me.)

Dear Professor Politics: What does it mean when a politician says his opponent is “beholden to Big Business”?

Answer: It means the politician is jealous of his opponent’s success in raking in corporate donations — mostly in the form of dump trucks filled with hundred-dollar bills.

Dear Professor Politics: Does that mean the politician would not accept corporate donations if they were offered to him?

Answer: My motto is, “There are no dumb questions,” but in this case I must make an exception.

Dear Professor Politics: I’m not really thrilled by the choice for President this year. Who should I vote for on Election Day? 

Answer: Surveys indicate that 99.99 percent of Americans feel the same way, and are not sure who to vote for, either the Unlikeable Liar, who by comparison makes Richard Nixon seem warm, cuddly, and spontaneous; or the Nasty Narcissist, who for some unknown reason rubs his face with Cheetos every morning. Therefore, you should vote for the candidate who is NOT motivated by personal ambition. This year that person is: George Washington.