Chronologically Gifted — Part 2

Last week I discussed the fact that I don’t even have to ask anymore to get the “senior discount” at Dunkin Donuts. This means I am an official geezer. However, I prefer a different term: “chronologically gifted.”

Here is the continuation of topics that took me by surprise as I went through the aging process (all of which begin with the letter “F”):

FOOD

When it comes to food, the chronologically gifted rule is very simple: If it tastes good, it’s gonna hurt.

If you don’t believe me, visit any pharmacy and walk up and down the “H & H” aisle (Heartburn and Hemorrhoids). You need a calculator to add up all the different products designed to relieve the discomfort associated with eating and digesting food.

When I was young I could eat Mexican food for breakfast without a second thought. (Including tequila, but that’s another story.) Now I get severe cramps by merely watching a Taco Bell commercial. My doctor wants me do go on a special “heart-healthy senior diet.” What he wants me to eat basically looks like a bowl of wallpaper paste and a plate of lawn clippings. He told me, “If you stick to this diet, you’ll live for many more years.” I said, “Why would I want to?”

FUN

It is still possible to be in the chronologically gifted years and have fun. Our definition of fun, however, is less likely to include hang gliding, dirt bike racing, trampoline somersaults, and staggering out of seedy bars on Saturday night.

Chronologically gifted fun is more likely to involve sitting in comfortable chairs, wearing comfortable shoes, and conversing with comfortable friends, oftentimes telling tall tales about youthful events which involved hang gliders, dirt bikes, trampolines, seedy bars, and most reckless of all, Mexican food.

Here’s another topic that begins with the letter F:

PHARMACEUTICALS (Yeah, I know. Spelling’s not my strong suit.)

As most of us know, there is a medical specialty for every single part of the human body. The average chronologically gifted person visits at least 8 different medical specialists on a regular basis, and every one of those doctors writes at least two prescriptions. So, when we sit down at the kitchen table each morning to take our pills, it looks like we’re working in the M&M factory. There are pills everywhere.

As you may have heard, the pharmaceutical business is a multi-billion dollar industry. I suspect if chronologically gifted people stopped taking their medicine for just one week, there would be numerous drug company CEOs who would be unable to make the next payment on their yacht. So be sure to take your pills, even if they don’t do any good, because those CEOs would be embarrassed if they had to sell the 130-foot yacht and settle for just a 90-foot yacht.

FAITH

The chronologically gifted years are often when people lose faith in previously rock-solid institutions — for example, the government and big business. We begin to ponder ancient truths and the meaning of life. We’ve been known to enter churches and synagogues with a sincerity and humility not present since, oh, about the fourth grade.

Not to go all Billy Graham on you here, but I truly believe faith is very important, and can be very, very comforting — although if you eat Mexican food, you should supplement your prayers with some products from the pharmacy’s H & H aisle. Just sayin’.

Having a strong spiritual life is essential for dealing with the trials and tribulations encountered as we journey down the home stretch of life. 

In conclusion, these past six decades have been very interesting. I can’t wait to see what happens to me during the next six decades.