Maybe I’m naïve. When I see a yellow
sign hanging on a telephone pole that reads, “Tag Sale, Saturday, 9 am To 3 pm,”
I assume it means, “Tag Sale, Saturday, 9 am To 3 pm.”
But apparently, what that sign really
means is: “All Traffic, Parking, and Jaywalking Laws Are Hereby Suspended.”
That’s the only explanation for the
bizarre behavior I observe on Saturdays in the spring. Whenever someone piles
junk from the basement onto the driveway and hangs a yellow sign on the nearest
telephone pole, all heck breaks loose.
People who are otherwise law-abiding, suddenly
become rude and vicious scofflaws when they approach a tag sale. They think
nothing of screeching their cars to a halt in the middle of a busy street, and
then just parking the car right there, IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, blocking traffic in both directions while they
scamper over to the junk pile looking for bargains.
I’ve seen people drive right up onto the
lawn and park there — and not the lawn of the people holding the tag sale, but
neighboring lawns, the lawns of people who have nothing to do with the tag
sale. The confused homeowner leans out of the front door and yells, “Excuse me,
ma’am. You can’t park on my front lawn. Please move your car.”
In reply, sweet little old ladies,
former finalists in the Litchfield County Nicest Grandmother of the Year
contest, have been known to spew a stream of profanity that would make a Hell’s
Angel biker blush. When granny reaches into her purse, the frightened homeowner
quickly ducks back into the house, thinking she’s about to pull out a pistol.
Actually, she’s just pulling out exactly two quarters and four dimes, the total
amount of money she will spend at the tag sale during the next two-and-a-half
hours.
Recently I was driving along a busy
section of Route 4 in Torrington. Two tag sales were in progress, on opposite
sides of the street. Not only did the tag sale devotees park their cars
anywhere and everywhere, including right on the double-yellow line, but they
also walked anywhere and everywhere, including right in front of oncoming
traffic.
As I approached the area, going about 35
mph, I slowed down to about 15 mph when I saw the commotion up ahead. I was
about to pass by, when a man holding hands with two small children simply
strolled right in front of my car. I slammed on the brakes and beeped my car
horn twice, which in the international car horn language means: “Hey pal, what
are you doing?! This is a state highway, not the food court at the Mall!”
The man glanced over and gave me a nasty
glare, which in the international nasty glare language means: “Hey pal, what
are you doing driving your car through this food court in the Mall?” If his
hands had not been occupied escorting the two small children, I think he also
would have given me a message using the international hand gesture language.
Tag sale enthusiasts remind me of
college students. Regardless of minor issues such as laws against destroying
other people’s property, if the school wins the national championship, some
kids feel it’s their duty to set stuff on fire and turn over cars. The tag sale
folks, regardless of minor issues such as laws against illegal parking and
jaywalking, feel it’s their duty to transform a section of the street into a
combination block party/demolition derby.
For some people, maybe it’s worth
risking life and limb to acquire a broken umbrella and two left shoes for 90
cents. But I’m not that brave. I think I’ll stay at home on Saturdays.
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