Cheese Lover Makes Cabot a Habit

 There are many milestones in people’s lives, such as the day they were born, graduation(s), marriage, and the birth of children. For me, in addition to these common experiences, I can add the following milestone events: the day I was fired for drinking on the job, the day I became a Christian, the day I quit drinking, the day the Red Sox finally won the World Series, and the day I found out I was lactose intolerant. Every one of these incidents had a profound impact on my life. 

Recently, another milestone event occurred for me. I was making a sales call at an engineering firm. (Relax, we were masked up and socially distant, and they took my temperature before I was allowed in the building.) When our conversation drifted away from HVAC topics, which happens occasionally — I’d say approximately 100% of the time — one of the engineers said, “Well, you know, all Cabot cheeses are naturally lactose-free.”

I can’t remember why our conversation drifted to the topic of cheese, but those words hit me like a ton of bricks. You see, being lactose intolerant, I have not had cheese in over 25 years — not counting the times I accidentally ate some cheese and then spent the remainder of the family picnic or business conference locked in the bathroom.

The thing is, I love cheese. It’s been quite a sacrifice for me to give up cheese for almost three decades now.
 
I stammered and said, “Wait, what did you just say?”

The engineer replied, “Yes, it's true. The way Cabot processes their cheese removes all the lactose. You should have no problem eating Cabot cheese, Bill.”

I was so overjoyed at these words, I felt light-headed. I had to sit down before I fainted. It was the same tidal wave of happiness that washed over me on August 23th, 1981, when the prettiest girl in town said yes when I asked her to marry me; and again on October 27th, 2004, when Keith Foulke got the final out, which clinched the first Red Sox championship in 86 years. To those milestone dates I now can add September 18th, 2020, the day Jordan Politz, engineer extraordinaire, informed me of the glorious fact that the folks at Cabot sell cheeses that I can eat without becoming sick.

The very next day I went to the supermarket and came home with a package of Cabot Smoky Bacon Cheddar, which displayed a “Lactose-free” logo on the back. I waited until my schedule was free for the rest of the day, just in case things went awry. I cut up some of the cheese and ate it on Triscuits. Six hours later there still were no ill effects, not counting the smile that I could not wipe from my face.

Cabot should create a marketing campaign that targets the approximately 50 million Americans who are just like me: left-handed Red Sox fans. No wait, I mean, who are lactose intolerant.

This has been such a wonderful discovery, I had to write a song parody. You can sing these lyrics to the tune of “America the Beautiful”:

Oh beautiful, this Cabot cheese
With amber colored chips
The yummy cheddar flavored bites
That pass across my lips
Oh lactose-free, oh lactose-free
God shed His grace on thee
And crown thy Gouda
With brotherhooda
From cheese to tasty cheese

Oh beautiful, for Swiss and Brie
And Mozzarella warm
Now Feta, Bleu, and Muenster, too
No longer do me harm
Oh lactose-free, oh lactose-free
God loves me, now I know
And fills my soul
With fine queso
And luscious Provolone