I Say, Old Chap, the Brits Can be Bloody Awful

 During a recent rainy weekend, I had a movie marathon and watched the following films: “Braveheart,” starring Mel Gibson as William Wallace, the Scottish commoner who led his people in battle against the oppressive English. Then I watched “The Patriot,” also starring Mel Gibson, as a South Carolina farmer during the Revolutionary War, who fought against the oppressive British. Then I watched “Gandhi,” starring Ben Kingsley as Mahatma Gandhi, who led the people of India in their struggle to gain independence from the oppressive British. Finally, I watched “Michael Collins,” starring Liam Neeson as the man who inspired the Irish people in their quest for freedom from the oppressive British.

Anybody notice a theme here? When Sunday night rolled around, and my bleary-eyed movie marathon finally was over, I had a singular and powerful thought: “Man, the British are a bunch of jerks!” 

Each of the four films contained graphic scenes of brutality, inflicted by British troops against innocent civilians. Now obviously, Hollywood depictions of historical events are often, shall we say, embellished for dramatic effect. But it’s an undeniable fact that over the centuries the folks from that tiny island nation in northwest Europe had a nasty habit of traveling to far-flung parts of the world and oppressing the hell out of anyone they happened to encounter. And they did it with an arrogant attitude of, “Well, of course, old boy, it is our destiny to rule over these lowly savages.”

Besides those four particular films that portray the British Empire as ruthlessly thuggish, have you ever noticed that some of Hollywood’s most sinister characters have British accents? The American Film Institute picked the top 100 movie villains, and Number One on the list was Hannibal Lecter in “Silencer of the Lambs,” played by Sir Anthony Hopkins. There was nothing in the story to indicate that the murderous and manipulative Dr. Lecter was anything but American. But who did they pick to play the part? A renowned English stage actor. Why? Because his voice just sounded creepier.

The Number Three villain on the list is Darth Vader, from “Star Wars.” But wait, that character was voiced by James Earl Jones, an American icon. Right, but who was the one person Darth Vader bowed down to? Emperor Palpatine, the most wicked Dark Lord who ever lived. And who played that character? It was Ian McDiarmid, a Scottsman with years of experience on the British stage. 

A couple of memorable movie villains are Dr. Szell in “Marathon Man,” played by Laurence Olivier, and Hans Gruber in “Die Hard,” played by Alan Rickman. Both characters were supposed to be German, but in each case the person chosen to play the part was a classically trained British actor. 

Who can forget Scar in “The Lion King,” voiced by Jeremy Irons? I don’t think many animals on the African plains speak with British accents, but for this film, the bad guy just had to sound aloof and haughty and sinister. If you’re skeptical, I have two words for you: Christopher Lee.

Anyway, I never realized motion pictures portray the British so often as being evil. (Sometimes fictitiously, sometimes dead-on true.) Since my recent movie marathon stirred up so much anger in me toward the British, the next time it rains on the weekend, I’m going to counteract my anti-British emotions by watching these movies: “The King’s Speech,” “Darkest Hour,” “A Hard Day’s Night,” and “Mary Poppins.” (Although I understand Dick Van Dyke’s horrible cockney accent almost caused Britain to declare war on America once again.)

If there’s time, I’ll throw in a little Monty Python and Benny Hill, and then I’ll be able to relax and say, “Cheerio, old boy. Good show.”