Walk Faster, Live Longer

Recently, I saw a report about a new medical study. The headline said, “Walking fast is the key to a long life. Study links pace to aging.” It seems that researchers at the University of Leicester discovered a connection between a person’s walking pace and how quickly they age.

What jumped out at me was the very first sentence of the report, which read: “A brisk walk could help add 16 years to your life, a new study finds.”

I know the definition of the word “a.” It means singular, as in “I saw a bear knock over the garbage can.” That obviously means I saw one bear. If there were more than one bear, I would use different words, such as, “I saw a flock of bears knock over the garbage can.” (I said I’d use different words, not necessarily the right words.)

Actually, I looked it up, and the correct term for a group of bears is a “sleuth” of bears. (Seriously, I’m not even kidding right now. Look it up if you don’t believe me.) A sleuth of bears sounds even dumber than a flock of bears. So, the next time I see multiple bears wandering through my condo complex (which happens about twice a week these days), I’ll just say, “I saw a frickin’ boatload of bears!” (Except I might use a different “load” word than boatload.)

Anyway, why are we talking about bears? Oh right, the definition of the word “a.” The first sentence of the medical report clearly says, “A brisk walk could help add 16 years to your life.” 

I am confident that I’m capable of “a” brisk walk, maybe even upwards of 15 minutes worth. I would gladly spend 15 minutes of my life enduring the pain of walking briskly to guarantee that I will live 16 years longer.

However, as happens so often nowadays, the medical report I read contained a gaggle of misinformation and a herd of fake news. Maybe we could come up with a new term, such as a Pelosi of misinformation, or if you play in the other side of the sandbox, a Trump of fake news. (I suppose the view of most Americans is still the best description: a frickin’ boatload of B.S. from both sides!)

As I continued to read the report, I discovered that when they said, “A brisk walk…” they actually meant a brisk walk — every day! Whoa, talk about false advertising.

Imagine if medical professionals told us, “You need to get a COVID vaccine — every day!” Or, “You need to get a colonoscopy — every day!” Or, “You need to eat a brood of doughnuts — every day!” (Well, that last one is fine.)

Once again, an announcement from medical experts got my hopes up (a single brisk walk will add 16 years to my life. Yay!), only to be dashed moments later (but do it every day. Boo!).

One positive aspect of this is that it prompted me to look up official names of groups of animals. We’re all familiar with a swarm of bees, a pack of dogs, and a school of fish. But here are some other actual descriptions (and again, if you don’t believe me, look it up yourself): a quiver of cobras, a bask of crocodiles, a murder of crows, a convocation of eagles, an army of frogs, a cackle of hyenas, a bloat of hippopotami, a smack of jellyfish, a conspiracy of lemurs, a parliament of owls, a pandemonium of parrots, and a zeal of zebras.

These names are so weird, no one would even notice if we added a couple of new ones to the list, such as a Trump of baloney and a Pelosi of malarkey.