Wednesday, February 14, 2024

This A.I. Guy Is Hurting for Intelligence

The other day I received an email from LinkedIn with this subject line: “Top Job Picks for You! A.I. Integrated Marketing Director.”

If you’re not familiar with LinkedIn, just imagine Facebook for business people. Instead of photos of someone’s breakfast (plus political screeds), LinkedIn has photos of someone’s products being marketed (plus political screeds). One of the most common comments on LinkedIn is, “Hey, this is not Facebook. Post your nasty rants somewhere else!”
I assume LinkedIn generates a lot of its revenue through job recruiting, because when they’re not asking me if my company is hiring, they’re showing me job openings that would be “a perfect fit” for me. Most of the time I ignore this stuff, and move on to the photos of various products being marketed, especially the ones from our competition.

However, when I received the note informing me about the Artificial Intelligence Marketing Director position, I just had to laugh. The job opening is with Microsoft, the parent company of LinkedIn. If they actually think I might be qualified for that position, then they really need some Artificial Intelligence to run their employment recruitment office.

Since LinkedIn is owned by Microsoft, they know everything about everyone. They know I’ve been in the HVAC industry for almost four decades, and that my knowledge of computer software can be summarized by the following common workplace scenario: I push away from my desk in frustration, and shout out, “Why won’t my computer work?!” Which prompts coworkers to reply, “Maybe it’s not plugged in. Again.”

Therefore, the odds that I am even remotely qualified to be an A.I. Integrated Marketing Director are the same odds that I will be selected as the next pope.
In addition, Microsoft also knows that I was born when Eisenhower was president and the Dodgers were still in Brooklyn. This means Microsoft knows my exact age and that I am actively planning to stop working soon, rather than begin a new career in A.I. marketing.

The position with Microsoft, according to the email, pays between $125,000 and $264,000 per year, and the person they hire can work remotely. I’m tempted to apply for the job. If they hire me, I’ll collect a nice paycheck for a while until they figure out I have no idea what I’m doing — you know, similar to what the most recent general manager of the Boston Red Sox did. 

I know what you’re thinking: how are you ever going to convince them to hire you, Bill?

That’s easy. For decades I’ve been paid to make stuff up (my full time job is sales, after all, plus this part time humor column gig), so at this point I’ve gotten pretty good at spinning interesting stories. I’ll tell them a wild story about my vision for marketing A.I. across the globe. 

Also, I already know the three most important things about Artificial Intelligence: 1) it’s artificial, 2) it’s intelligent, and 3) it will someday try to destroy all mankind. I know this third item because it was the plot of a famous Shakespeare play. No wait, it was a Schwartzenegger movie. I always get those two literary geniuses mixed up.
Since Microsoft is owned by Bill Gates, who has desired to be the Emperor of Earth for many years, I’ll play right into the company’s ultimate goal of world domination. If they hire me, great, I’ll collect a fat paycheck for a while. If they don’t hire me, I’ll just keep scrolling through LinkedIn posts to see what my HVAC competition is up to.

Either way, it doesn’t matter in the long run, since A.I. is going to zap us all very soon.

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