Is Earth Spinning Out of Control?

Recently I read a news story with this headline: “Earth is spinning faster than it used to. Clocks might have to skip a second to keep up.”

The main body of the article said this: “For the first time in history, world timekeepers may have to consider subtracting a second from our clocks in a few years because the planet is rotating a tad faster than it used to. Clocks may have to skip a second — called a ‘negative leap second’ — around 2029, a study in the journal Nature said.”

Some people read or heard that news story and probably said, “Oh no, is the earth going to spin so fast that the centrifugal force sends us all flying off into space?!” I suspect the people who made this comment were involved in the infamous “merry-go-round playground incident” at Abraham Pierson School in Clinton, CT, in 1964. Back then, a few rambunctious boys — whose names have escaped my memory at the moment — started spinning the merry-go-round as fast as possible, and poor little Cindy McGillicuddy lost her grip on the metal bar and went flying off into the air. The subsequent seven weeks of wearing a cast on her arm certainly was not the fault of the rambunctious boys, since they had nothing to do with the decision to install the playground merry-go-round, not on wood chips, not on sand, not on grass, but instead on a hard asphalt surface.

In retrospect, that foolish decision paled when compared to the even more egregious decision to install the playground monkey bars on the same hard asphalt surface. The injury rate was at least ten times greater on the monkey bars compared to the merry-go-round. Countless skinny second graders would lose their grip on the bars, and not only fracture a wrist, arm, or ankle when they slammed onto the blacktop, but also experience the joy of whacking their chin or forehead onto a metal pipe as they began their rapid descent. It’s a miracle we survived growing up in that era.

Other people, upon reading the recent news story, probably wondered what’s the big deal about the earth spinning slightly faster? So what if we will need to make a one-second adjustment in five years? For most of us, if all of our watches, clocks, computers, coffee makers, and microwave ovens are within about four minutes of each other, that’s more than accurate enough.

However, according to the news story, there are two established versions of time being used today: astronomical and atomic. If those two different timekeeping methods are not synchronized exactly, it causes big problems with high tech systems such as computer networks and communications satellites. Well, I’m not sure what to say about that, since I have no idea how any of that stuff works.

Anyway, when I read that news story, my first thought was: “There’s really an occupation called ‘world timekeeper’? You’re kidding me.”

How do you land a job like that? Do they advertise for the position on Indeed or ZipRecruiter? How many drummers showed up for an interview? (“The other guys in the band say I’m excellent at keeping time.”) I wonder if people misread the want ad and showed up looking for a job as a beekeeper, peacekeeper, shopkeeper, innkeeper, or chimney sweeper? 

I wonder what the business card looks like for someone who is an official World Timekeeper. “Phineas Q. Pifflepants, DTK” (which stands for Doctorate of Time Keeping). And which colleges offer advanced degrees in timekeeping? 

It seems like much ado about nothing. But on the other hand, if those timekeeping geniuses could make Mondays disappear, then I’d be interested.

Also, I still can’t remember who those rambunctious boys were.