The Sad Saga of Burlington Bear

Did you hear about Burlington Bear (not to be confused with Paddington Bear)? Burlington Bear was euthanized by the state after acting a bit too aggressive toward human hikers. His full name was W. Burlington Bear III, but his prep school friends called him Trip (as is common with those who have the coveted “III” after their name). Some classmates, however, referred to him behind his back as “Spaulding,” because he often behaved like Judge Smails’ grandson in the movie “Caddyshack.”

In late August, Burlington Bear and his girlfriend Bernice encountered some hikers in the woods in Burlington, CT. While Bernice hung back and observed, Burlington Bear went right up to the hikers. One of the hikers, a young woman, recorded the event with her cell phone camera.

Relieved that the bear did not maul her or eat her or, worst of all, force her to listen to a vacation time-share sales pitch, the woman posted the video on social media. (Full name: C. Social Media III, also called Trip by prep school friends, although because of his loud and pompous personality, Social Media is occasionally referred to as “Trump.”)

It was obvious that in posting the video, the intent of the woman was simply to say, “Holy Mackerel! Can you believe what just happened to me?!”

It’s remarkable the woman was so calm as she videoed the bear. If that had been me, I would’ve been squealing like a 5th grade girl and making my blue jeans rather damp. I certainly would not have had the wherewithal to film the event.

But then people from the state Dept. of Energy and Environmental Protection saw the video. The agency is known as DEEP, but its full name is M. Bureaucracy Deep III (and of course is known as Trip to classmates, but everyone else calls it “Tax Money Sink Hole”).

Experts within the department’s Bear Psychoanalysis Division determined that Burlington Bear was far too aggressive during his encounter with the woman, and therefore he had to be euthanized.

This set off a firestorm of outrage. Thousands of people signed an online petition demanding that Burlington Bear be spared the death penalty. They were hoping instead for a life sentence in Danbury Federal Pen.

A very sad aspect of this saga was the amount of vitriol directed toward the woman who videoed the bear. She was accused of being the one who sentenced the poor bear to death, and she received loads of profane and vile insults (which is in keeping with the personality of Trump, er, I mean, Social Media). And she actually had people threaten her that she and her family would be euthanized.

Um, let me see if I’ve got this straight. A woman videos a bear, then says she was not hurt and implores the state to leave the bear alone. So-called animal lovers become upset when the state sentences the bear to death anyway, so these same so-called animal lovers then express their desire that the woman and her family should be put to death. Yeah, that makes sense.

In the final act of the saga of Burlington Bear, state DEEP officials found the bear, shot him, and then when a distraught Bernice made a sudden move, they shot her, too. 

So the moral of the story is: if you are foraging in the woods for berries and you come upon humans, especially ones with cell phone cameras, whatever you do, do not behave like Spaulding from the movie “Caddyshack.” If you do, DEEPers will hunt you down. And don’t expect a reprieve from the governor, because in these cases even the esteemed P. Dannel Malloy III cannot commute your sentence.