Key To Success: Pay Attention, Take Notes

People often ask me how I come up with topics to write about each week. It’s simple. I always keep a small notebook in my pocket, and whenever I see, hear, or read about something weird, I scribble a quick note to myself. These notes often become the basis for an entire column. To give you an idea, here are some notes I recently wrote (along with a few extra comments):

• “News report: 8 deaths this year from shark attack, but 12 deaths so far from taking selfies.” Apparently, people are falling off cliffs or getting hit by trucks as they attempt to take memorable photos of themselves. We heard a lot this past summer about shark attacks, but I don’t remember hearing any news reports about selfie deaths. They should put a warning label on smart phones. Also, I wonder if there is any overlap in those numbers. Did someone with a water-proof camera snap a picture of himself frolicking in the surf at the exact moment he became a shark hors-d’oeuvre? 

• “Sign at tailgate entrance: ‘No excessive alcohol use’.” My family went to a college football game in September, and that sign cracked me up. Excessive is a perfectly fine word, but in this context, it is completely meaningless. Who defines what excessive alcohol use is? Is it the senior citizen alumni wearing jackets and ties, who were sipping wine at a fancy tailgate party with candles and tablecloths? Or is it the students in a different area who were doing keg stands, having chugging contests, and throwing back shots of tequila? (And the game started at noon, so all this was taking place at about 11:30 a.m.) I bet these two groups would have quite different definitions of the word excessive. The sign might as well have said, “Tailgating rules: Whatever.” 

• “When I’m alone in the house, I talk to myself constantly. Is that a sign of a problem?” I searched online and found an old expression: talking to yourself means you have a lot of money in the bank. Well, we can cross that one off the list. Another website said talking to yourself means you’re losing your marbles. Um, let’s tentatively pencil that one off the list, too, at least until further review. Still another website said talking to yourself is a sign of creativity. OK, that sounds like a winner. We’ll go with that explanation. 

• “Drones with cameras — if one hovers over your house, do you have the right to blast it with a shotgun?” This is a contentious issue nowadays, and no doubt new regulations will be hashed out in the near future. But in the meantime, my view is quite simple: you not only have the right to blast it with a shotgun, when the drone’s owner comes looking for it, you have the right to give him a 12-gauge prostate exam. 

• “News headline: Poisonous snake bites farmer on penis while urinating in field.” That is the news story headline, exactly word for word. However, it’s phrased kind of vaguely, as it could mean the snake was urinating in the field — but I doubt that’s what they meant. The very day I read that news story, I was scheduled to play golf, a game in which the wooded areas are often used as convenient bathrooms. During my round, with unpleasant images dancing in my head, I refused to go near the woods and painfully waited until we got back to the clubhouse before racing to the men’s room. 

So, now you know my secret: pay attention and take notes. Something every teacher I ever had would be shocked to hear me say.