A Heartfelt Letter to Mom

Dear Mom:

Is there something wrong? You’ve been acting strange toward me lately. You’re not still angry about the lawsuit, are you? I told you over and over, it wasn’t personal. A product liability suit is not vindictive, it’s just, well, a matter of fairness. After all, this is the 21st century. If I’ve been victimized, I should sue, right?

You have to admit, the evidence was overwhelming. The food you fed me in the 1960s and 70s set the stage for my high cholesterol condition. You remember the courtroom testimony from Dad and Sis — all those mornings of bacon and eggs; all the pot roast, fried chicken, and butter? You heard those expert witnesses, that team of cardiologists from Yale New Haven Hospital, who said I’ll probably need bypass surgery soon. There was no question in the minds of the jurors.

I know you didn’t do it on purpose, Mom. I know you were sincere every time you said, “Eat, eat! It’ll make you big and strong!” You didn’t know that doctors in the future would come up with a brand new rule for nutrition: “If it tastes good, it’s bad for you.”

I didn’t file the lawsuit because you intentionally tried to hurt me, but only because your actions we’re inadvertently harmful. However, you know how the legal system works: ignorance does not relieve one of liability. Please don’t take it personal, Mom. I hate it when you’re mad at me.

Oh, and regarding the behavior of my lawyers, I want to apologize. It was not my idea to compare you to a tobacco company. They felt it was necessary to get the jury to award large damages. (That was a HUGE amount, wasn’t it?!)

Now, about the media. Honestly, that was the absolute last thing I expected. I never thought that loudmouth Bill O’Reilly would do three consecutive shows about us. I can’t fathom why he was so outraged. People go to court all the time. It’s no big deal. And yes, I agree with you, that Geraldo fellow can be quite obnoxious.

Another thing, Mom. I swear, it wasn’t me who gave The National Enquirer that old snapshot of our family sitting around the Thanksgiving table. For them to label it “The Den of Death” was simply despicable.

By the way, I was talking with Dad the other day. He’s usually such a calm guy. Funny thing, when I saw him, he didn’t seem calm at all. He muttered something about a “long walk” and a “short pier.” If I didn’t know better, Mom, I’d think you were saying nasty things about me to Dad.

There is another reason why I’m writing to you, Mom. As you know, my birthday is coming up soon. I just want you to know it’s OK if you don’t buy me a gift this year. I’m sure your attorney has told you the appeal process can be lengthy. You may not actually be forced to pay me anything for a while. But having that huge damages award hanging over your head is probably making you cautious about spending money. If you don’t get me a present this year, Mom, don’t worry. I’ll understand.

There is one thing you could do. You know how I love chocolate cake. It would be really nice if you could make me a big birthday cake, just like the old days, with candles and the works. I’d really like that.

I’ll plan on stopping by next Sunday. Oh, and don’t forget, use only those special “egg whites” when making the cake. I wouldn’t want to have to sue you again! 

Love, your devoted son.