Wedding Feast at Cana

This weekend the Gospel reading at Mass is the Wedding Feast at Cana. Here is an excerpt from my book, “The Gospel According to Morty,” where Morty relates his experience at the Wedding Feast.

But first, a little background is necessary: Morty is the unknown 13th apostle. He’s now an old man, explaining what it was like to be a teenager and travel around with Jesus and His disciples. Morty’s main reason for telling these stories is to counter the claim that Jesus never laughed. Morty offers many instances where Jesus displayed a very keen and jolly sense of humor. Such as this one…..

Soon after, there was a big wedding feast in a nearby town called Cana. I think Jesus got his sense of humor from his mom. Mary was friends with the family of the bride-to-be, and she was invited to this wedding. When she saw the mother of the bride a few days before the wedding, she asked if it was OK to bring along her son. The mother said sure. Then Mary said, “Would it be OK if my son Jesus brings a couple of his friends?”

The mother said, “Sure, it’s going to be a big wedding. There’s plenty of room. By the way, how many friends will your son bring?”

Mary said, “Oh, you know, maybe one or two or twelve.”

Of course, I was not invited because I was only 17. But I did what I often did back in those days to get into banquets and parties and other events that were for adults only: I tagged along behind Jesus and his disciples to see where the party was, and then I went over to the servants and offered to give them a hand. Naturally they were thrilled to have some extra help. So that’s how I was able to go to the banquets and see and hear what Jesus did.

This wedding feast was a huge celebration. Let me ask you something: what do people do at weddings? No, I don’t mean the Macarena and the Chicken Dance. I mean: they laugh and they have a good time. The table with Jesus and the apostles was by far the loudest. 

Ever been to a wedding where there’s an open bar, and one table has 13 young men? Need I say more? People kept looking over at them and saying things like, “Who are those guys?” and, “They’re making quite a racket,” and, “You sure they were invited? Maybe they’re in the wrong room and they’re supposed to be across the hall at the Steinberg bar mitzvah.” They were really enjoying themselves.

But then, disaster struck. The wine ran out! And I think we know which loud table played a major role in causing that to happen. So Mary went over to Jesus, smiled at him with that wonderful smile of hers, and said, “They have no more wine.” Then she looked at all the apostles—who were feeling no pain at that point—and raised her eyebrow slightly, as if to say, “I guess we should’ve seen that coming.”

Jesus smiled at her and said, “What has that to do with me?” Mary didn’t say a word, but she looked at the apostles again, and the expression on her face clearly said, “And whose friends are these?” Mary turned to the headwaiter and said, “Do whatever he tells you.”

Then she looked at Jesus and smiled. The twinkle in her eye made it clear she was sending him the message: “You’re not going to disappoint your momma, are you?”

Jesus chuckled, kissed Mary on the cheek, and went back toward the kitchen. In the kitchen, he pointed to some stone water jugs and ordered them filled with water. And guess who had to do that chore? Right, it was me! And let me tell you, a stone jar filled with 30 gallons of water ain’t light! I can’t wait for someone to invent the forklift.

So we dragged in six of these jars. Then I saw Jesus close his eyes and take a deep breath. Then he told me to scoop some out and bring it to the headwaiter. The headwaiter took a sip and was stunned. He said it was the best wine he ever tasted. Then he noticed there were six jars filled to the top, 180 gallons of fantastic wine. He ran to get the father of the bride, and told him to promise the band extra money to keep them playing, because this party was now going to go all night long.

The father of the bride came over to Jesus with tears in his eyes. He said, “I am so thankful! You’ve saved me from a terrible disgrace. How can I ever repay you?”

Jesus smiled and said, “Wait till you get my bill.”

Then Jesus laughed and said, “Just kidding. This is my gift to your lovely daughter.” The father of the bride hugged him. Jesus smiled again, and said, “How’s the food supply? Are you running low on loaves or fishes?”

We didn’t know what that meant until much later. But Jesus thought it was really funny.

[By the way, "The Gospel According to Morty" is available at an amazingly low price on Amazon Kindle. Just sayin'.]