Learn Italian in cinque easy lessons

Later this year one of our daughters is getting married, and the wedding will take place in my future son-in-law’s hometown, which is in Italy. I’m excited about flying to Europe for the wedding (after deciding swimming to Europe might take too long), but I’m a little nervous about the language barrier. Most everyone in Italy speaks fluent Italian and pretty good English, while I speak pretty good English and nothing else. (I’m being generous with the term “pretty good.” If you ask someone from England to listen to me speak English, he might describe it as, “bloody awful Yank caterwauling!” Yeah? Well, kiss my grits, Nigel.)

It’s an interesting phenomenon that English has become the worldwide language of commerce, to the point that many people in Europe and Asia learn our language. But this allows Americans to take the easy way out and settle for knowing only English. Of course, there are Americans who can speak two languages, especially if they have relatives in a foreign country, such as Alabama. (Don’t ask an Englishman to listen to folks from Tuscaloosa speak what they insist is “prop-uh Ang-a-lish, y’all”; it will make poor Nigel’s head explode.)

Since many people in Italy can speak English, probably a lot better than I can, I assumed we simply would speak English the entire time we’re in Italy for the wedding. But my wife thinks the polite thing to do is learn some basic Italian phrases.

This could be a problem, since I’ve never demonstrated any aptitude for learning a foreign language. For example, I had to take a foreign language in school, so thinking that I might someday enjoy hockey or go on a vacation in Quebec (neither ever happened), I chose French. After four years of French classes, I can remember exactly one phrase: “sacré bleu!” which I think means “my socks are blue.”

Later, I thought that maybe I should learn some Spanish, since two institutions that I’m very fond of, baseball and Catholicism, are now dominated by Spanish-speaking people. But other than some menu items at Taco Bell, my quest to learn Spanish has been unsuccessful. I’m not sure, but the main reason might be my total lack of effort.

I have a client at work who recently came to the United States from Germany. I don’t know any German, except key phrases I picked up watching “Hogan’s Heroes” as a kid (for example, “Klink, you dummkopf!” and, “Jawohl, Major Hochstetter!”). However, the other day I had to send this young man an email, so I decided to include a German greeting. I searched online for the German translation for “How are you doing?” Well, just my luck, out of two million websites that offer translation help, I clicked on a smart-aleck site. The German phrase it gave me was not quite “How are you doing?” It instead was more like, “Why do you molest goats?” It took quite a while to convince my irate client that my email note was not malicious, but rather was due to the fact that I’m a dummkopf.

My greatest fear is that I’ll work hard to learn some basic Italian phrases, but then when I try to use them at the wedding, I’ll bungle it up. I can see myself trying to say to my daughter’s new mother-in-law, “This cheese smells wonderful,” but what I actually say is, “Your feet smell like cheese.” 

I think my best bet is to refrain completely from speaking while we’re in Italy. I just need to keep my mouth filled with food at all times. Luckily, being an American, that is a language in which I am quite fluent.