Public Speaking Adventures

Human beings were created with a built-in, water-cooled temperature control system, in the form of approximately 2.6 million sweat glands located all over our skin. This is a remarkable mechanism. Whenever we become a little too hot or nervous, the sweat glands secrete a bit of moisture, which evaporates and cools us down. This sophisticated temperature control system is an amazing feat of design and engineering — except when it is not.

For example, sometimes a person — who shall remain nameless — is about to give a one-hour presentation to a group of 20 business professionals assembled in a conference room designed to hold 12 people, which makes the room a little on the stuffy side. When this person’s laptop computer at first does not work properly, he becomes a bit panicky.

Finally, the technical problems are resolved, and the person begins the presentation by saying, “Hi, my name is Bill Dunn.” At that moment, a tiny droplet of sweat trickles down the left side of his forehead. This unnamed person nonchalantly brushes away the sweat droplet and continues talking. Then another drop of sweat — a bit larger than a droplet this time — trickles down the right side of his face. Then the person notices that his entire forehead has become as dewy as a lawn at sunrise in April.

Even though the slight amount of sweat is caused mostly by the warm room temperature rather than nervousness, the unnamed person suddenly becomes very nervous, fearful he is beginning to look like Marco Rubio trying to answer a difficult question during a televised debate.

This nervousness prompts the person’s adrenal gland to send an urgent hormonal message to every square inch of skin, and on cue 2.6 million sweat glands simultaneously produce a barely perceptible squirt.

Well, the squirt of an individual sweat gland is barely perceptible. But when that action is multiplied by 2.6 million, the overall effect on the unnamed person is nothing short of remarkable. In an instant, he is transformed from a man calmly explaining Slide #3 (of his 55-slide presentation), into a man who has just climbed, fully clothed, out of a swimming pool.

The man offers a forced chuckle and says, “Is it me, or is it warm in here?” In reply, 20 stony faces (dry faces, by the way) stare at the man, silently communicating the message, “I feel fine. What’s your problem?”

This causes the man’s adrenal gland to send out another urgent hormonal message, and this time all 2.6 million sweat glands conclude that another squirt is not sufficient, and therefore “full-flow mode” is required.

At this point, with 52 more slides to go, the unnamed person strolls to the side of the room and reaches up and pulls the fire alarm lever. As the entire building empties, he calmly walks to his car, drives to the airport, and catches the first flight to Mongolia where he lives out the rest of his life in anonymity.

Well, I have it on good authority that he at least WANTED to do that.

* * * 

Speaking of public speaking, on Sunday, May 1st, I will be speaking at St. Thomas the Apostle church, Rte. 67 in Oxford, CT. A potluck supper begins at 5 pm, and afterward I’ll be reading excerpts from my book, “The Gospel According to Morty,” which is a (hopefully) humorous look at whether Jesus ever laughed. Feel free to join us, and with any luck my 2.6 million sweat glands will not go into full “Marco Rubio mode.” But if that does happen, watching a person perform a self-baptism is always a rather interesting sight, so it will be a good show either way. See you there!