Recently, I heard a report on the radio about a new research study. The announcer said something like, “People with lower-pitched voices have greater leadership skills, outgoing personalities, and sex appeal.”
When I heard that, I said, “Ooh, that’s interesting.” Then I cleared my throat, and said in my best Barry White impersonation, “OOOOOH, BABY, THAT IS IN-TER-EST-TINNNG.”
But the fact is, the pitch of my voice is much closer to Robert Goulet than Johnny Mathis — except I have a rather thin tone that kind of warbles. Other than that, though, Bobby Goulet and I are practically twins. “IF EVER I WOULD LEAVE YOOOOO, IT WOULDN’T BE IN SUMM-ERRR...”
I’m going to dismiss the fact that whenever I’m a bit nervous, like when I’m at work giving a presentation to a conference room filled with engineers, my speaking voice tends to sound a lot like Don Knotts. That’s just nerves. My regular voice is low. Really low. REALLY LOOOOOOW. Which means, according to the researchers, I am a natural leader with an outgoing personality and sex appeal. Nice. I mean, NIIIIICE, BABY.
However, when I read the details, I was a bit surprised. I thought the radio announcer used the phrase “leadership skills,” but the article said people with lower-pitched voices have a tendency to try to dominate others, sometimes to the point of bullying. Well, that’s not so good.
The “outgoing personality” I heard mentioned on the radio was actually more of an ability to convince people to trust you, and as a result, believe whatever you tell them. In other words, it’s the skill of being a B.S. artist. Ugh.
Finally, what I heard as “sex appeal” actually referred to a person’s “sociosexuality level.” This is a fancy phrase that means “greater likelihood to engage in casual sex.” OH, NOOOO. Wait, I mean, oh no.
Hmm, that’s just terrible.
You know, to be perfectly honest now that I think about it a little more, I wasn’t in the bass section of the choir. It was the tenor section. No, wait, I was a soprano. Yeah, that’s it.
And my voice sounds like Don Knotts all the time, not just when I’m nervous. (Like right now.)
Or maybe Celine Dion. Yeah, I sound just like her. “Near, far, where evvv-err you are….my heart will go on and onnnnn.” Yup, that’s me all right.
In conclusion, the most important thing we can learn from that research study, especially if someone has been happily married for 39-1/2 years and wants to make it to 40, is that we should never trust silly research studies. And this goes double for research studies that are reported by radio announcers with deep voices. AND I’M NOT KIDDING, BABY.