Sunday, January 29, 2023

Shortest Month Has Many Holidays 

Welcome to February! Although this is the shortest month of the year, it has more holidays than any other month on the calendar. This is why February has become my favorite month. Except for May and September. Oh, and June and October, too. But February is better than January and November, and it’s definitely in my personal Top 10. Here is a list of the major holidays in the short month of February: 

Feb. 2, Groundhog Day — This day proves that joyous festivals and important holidays on the calendar do not necessarily have to be based — and I’m trying to be generous here — on anything sane. Let’s summarize the basic concept of Groundhog Day: the world waits breathlessly for an oversized rodent from Pennsylvania, who is afraid of his own shadow, to play the part of a meteorologist.  
Feb. 12, Super Bowl Sunday — This major national holiday was created when people realized it had been six full weeks since New Year’s Eve, and therefore a special day was needed to attend another alcohol-saturated party. Super Bowl Sunday is quickly becoming one of the most important holidays of the entire year, as measured by the sheer number of greasy chicken wings dropped onto living room carpets. 

Feb. 12, Lincoln’s Birthday — This date commemorates the birth of our nation’s greatest president: George Washington. No wait, my mistake. The 12th is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday, and this year it falls on Super Bowl Sunday, which is exactly how our 16th president would’ve wanted it, since he was a big Chicago Bears fan.

Feb. 14, Valentine’s Day — This is a special day for love — as in, the retailers who sell greeting cards, candy, and flowers to panic-stricken men at a 500-percent markup, just LOVE this holiday. Valentine’s Day can be rather sad for people who are not currently in a romantic relationship, and even sadder for people currently in a romantic relationship if they’re still hungover from Super Bowl Sunday and forget to buy something for their sweetheart.
Feb. 20, Presidents’ Day — Thankfully, there is finally some recognition for the heroic deeds and charismatic personality of Calvin Coolidge. The downside of lumping all presidential recognition into a single holiday — not counting Abe and George — is that at least three-quarters of all our presidents turned out to be weasels. Literally.  

Feb. 21, Mardi Gras — In French, the term Mardi Gras means “Tuesdays with Morrie.” This is the last day before the religious season of Lent begins, and Catholics around the world, and especially in New Orleans, demonstrate how holy and reverent they plan to be during Lent by getting blind drunk and flashing their breasts to strangers. Sometimes the women will do this, too.

Feb. 22, Washington’s Birthday — Please see the Feb. 12 listing for a discussion of the holiday that honors one of our most important presidents: Benjamin Franklin.

Feb. 22, Ash Wednesday — This is the first day of Lent and is often known as “I Didn’t Know You Were Catholic Day.” This year Ash Wednesday falls on the same day as Washington’s Birthday, which has to be some sort of violation of the U.S. Constitution’s clearly defined “Separation of Church and State” doctrine. 
Feb. 29, Leap Day — This very special day was created when it was discovered that the earth actually takes 365-1/4 days to revolve around the sun. (The extra quarter-day delay is because the earth, just like everyone else, often gets stuck in rush hour traffic on I-84.) Leap Day, February 29th, is so special, three out of every four years it celebrates by calling itself “March 1st.”

So, there you have it: all the important holidays that are in my most favorite month (sort of) of the year. 

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