Wednesday, July 8, 2015

July Is Beach Season! Yippee!

Hooray! It’s July and my family wants to take me to the beach! I know it’s time to visit the shore because it’s been over nine months since I’ve had any skin irritations. But now it’s finally summer, so let’s go to the beach! Yippee!

Here is how much my skin enjoys going to the beach, starting from the top and working down.

Head — about five years ago I was outside doing some yard work, and I had large amounts of sunblock on my face and neck, but later that evening the top of my head was in pain. I couldn’t understand why, and then my wife said, “Your bald spot is sunburned.” My bald spot? I didn’t even know I HAD a bald spot. I can’t see the top of my head. Why didn’t someone tell me? That’s like letting me walk around all day with a piece of spinach stuck in my teeth. As the TV public service announcement says: “Friends don’t let friends be oblivious to bald spots.”

Neck — I’ve never lived any further south than Connecticut, but the shade of crimson my neck turns when I just THINK about going outside on a sunny day qualifies me as an honorary member of the Sons of the Confederacy.

Torso — This is the safest part of my body because I never, ever take my shirt off at the beach, even when frolicking in the surf or taking a shower. With my shirt off, I look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s twin brother, except a tad whiter (and wider). Another reason why I leave my shirt on is because it’s not right for a middle-aged man to cause little children to cry.

Nether regions — This is another area of my body that is not in danger of getting sunburned, but that’s not to say it’s free from the joys of beach-induced skin irritation. The mesh lining inside a man’s bathing suit has been specially designed by NASA to capture and retain the maximum quantity of salt, sand, and seaweed. It’s an amazing achievement of science. Walking around the beach all day with a bathing suit filled with abrasive compounds is one of the highlights of summer. Sometimes during the winter, when I wistfully long for the warmth of July, I’ll sprinkle some salt, sand, and soggy lettuce into a pair of jockey shorts, and then walk around the house until I’m thoroughly chaffed. Mmm, delightful!

Legs — No matter how many quarts of sunblock I apply to my legs, I always seem to miss a spot on the back of my knee. So by 5 p.m., that one little spot feels like it was pressed against a waffle iron. Also, the legs are the part of the body targeted most often by mosquitos, sand fleas, and those cuddly green-headed horse flies.

Feet — If you wear socks and shoes every day for months on end, the bottom of your feet become as tender as a piece of veal. This means if you walk barefoot on plush carpeting, it will hurt. And if you walk barefoot on hot sand, pebbles, and shells, the pain will cause your feet to file a lawsuit against you for cruel and unusual punishment. This is why I have to wear socks and sneakers when I go to the beach. Combined with the floppy hat, baggy shirt, and gallons of sunblock, the socks and sneakers are the crowning touch, which is why I’ve won the Beach Dork of the Year award seven years in a row.  

So, the beach season is finally here! I’ve got my hat, shirt, sneakers, bathing suit, and 55-gallon drum of sunblock ready to go. When do we leave?

1 comment:

  1. Reasons to Believe in Jesus

    Reasons to believe Jesus is alive in a new life with God can be found in quotes from two prominent atheists and a biology textbook.

    Thus the passion of man is the reverse of that of Christ, for man loses himself as man in order that God may be born. But the idea of God is contradictory and we lose ourselves in vain. Man is a useless passion. (Jean-Paul Sartre, Being and Nothingness: A Phenomenological Essay on Ontology, New York: Washington Square Press, p. 784)

    Among the traditional candidates for comprehensive understanding of the relation of mind to the physical world, I believe the weight of evidence favors some from of neutral monism over the traditional alternatives of materialism, idealism, and dualism. (Thomas Nagel, Mind and Cosmos: Why the Materialist Neo-Darwinian Conception of Nature Is Almost Certainly False, location 69 of 1831)

    And certain properties of the human brain distinguish our species from all other animals. The human brain is, after all, the only known collection of matter that tries to understand itself. To most biologists, the brain and the mind are one and the same; understand how the brain is organized and how it works, and we’ll understand such mindful functions as abstract thought and feelings. Some philosophers are less comfortable with this mechanistic view of mind, finding Descartes’ concept of a mind-body duality more attractive. (Neil Campbell, Biology, 4th edition, p. 776 )

    Sartre speaks of the "passion of man," not the passion of Christians. He is acknowledging that all religions east and west believe there is a transcendental reality and that perfect fulfillment comes from being united with this reality after we die. He then defines this passion with a reference to Christian doctrine which means he is acknowledging the historical reasons for believing in Jesus. He does not deny God exists. He is only saying the concept of God is contradictory. He then admits that since life ends in the grave, it has no meaning.

    From the title of the book, you can see that Nagel understands that humans are embodied sprits and that the humans soul is spiritual. He says, however, that dualism and idealism are "traditional" alternatives to materialism. Dualism and idealism are just bright ideas from Descartes and Berkeley. The traditional alternative to materialism is monism. According to Thomas Aquinas unity is the transcendental property of being. Campbell does not even grasp the concept of monism. The only theories he grasps are dualism and materialism.

    If all atheists were like Sartre, it would be an obstacle to faith. An important reason to believe in Jesus is that practically all atheists are like Nagel and Campbell, not like Sartre.

    by David Roemer